This channel was recommended in some comments to another ASMR video. This may or may not work out for the best. I search all over the place for inspiration. It is not until I have had a chance to listen to any of the videos that I understand whether the recommendation produces a complete loss (In terms of The Procrastination Pen playlist). This sort of thing happens all the time. On that note feel free to recommend to me any ASMR videos that you have found helpful. It might be that they will turn up in a future blog article.
The channel this time is sebsss it contains four videos so a nice number for one blog post. The fourth video seems to be a drinking video so not really on message for a medical examination focus. Perhaps it will feature in the future if I ever move onto drinking ASMR. The videos range from twelve to ten years ago in terms of posting. The drinking video is twelve years ago and seems a nostalgic portrayal probably only of interest to those who were there.
This leaves three all of which are more recent than the drinking video. These three maybe more suitable for a blog of this type:
This is the most recent video which was posted ten years ago. However, the sound quality is not great. The speaking is a bit fast. Rapport does not seem to be there. There is really nothing calming or relaxing about this particular presentation. If anything, I was just waiting for it to be over.
Not in the least ASMR stimulating so this one will not be in the playlist
Head to Toe
This video was posted eleven years ago. There are no notes with this one, however the medical professional from the above video appears as the “patient” in this one. Here he appears as “Tom Smith” – whether genuinely or not (Smith being a common obfuscation name). The presentation is a little busy – we’ve seen this before and it seems to be a characteristic of assessment videos – i.e. those produced by students as part of their course.
I think the medical professional introduces himself as “Matt” (something) and that he will be the “Senior” but it is all a bit jumbled and I may well be wrong.
There appear to be no clues as to the location other than the crucifix on the wall and I guarantee searching for “Tom Smith” isn’t going to get me any further.
Given Tom Smith is in a number of these videos I’d make a guess this is his channel.
The background noise is a bit high on this one. It takes a while to settle down but once the examination is under way it isn’t terrible.
Not Hollie Berry standard but worthy of inclusion in The Procrastination Pen playlist I think.
Head to Toe Assessment
The background noise is as intrusive as the last one. As with the previous video there are some good moments. Tom Smith as the patient again – but a different medical professional this time Melissa. This video is also posted eleven years ago. Again there are no notes to guide as to which establishment this is. Sadly the badge on the shoulder of Melissa is a little too small and out of focus to be useful. The letters seem to be HNMC school of nursing with the nearest establishment I can find as Holy Name Medical Centre. Great I thought – crucifix – holy name. Only their symbol is a dove not a purple cross and the only Melissa I can find there is not this Melissa.
Again I think it belongs in the playlist – but I think an edited version would be even better (particularly if it was feasible to smooth out that background noise).
Overall not as terrible as at first thought, although all of these are now subject to review and I am producing an archive list of items once in the main playlist but upon reflection don’t quite meet the grade.
(This offers regular readers the opportunity to still find their favourites).
The Tom Smith playlist is here:
The overall playlist which contains the majority of videos featured in this blog is here:
The videos which failed the grade on review are now in this archive list here:
I hope that you find these playlists relaxing
If you liked this blog item why not subscribe to this blog
The video quality for this one is a tad poor. And perhaps I don’t mean a tad. However it is quite different to what we have had before and it is partly because of its age and its purpose. This one is recorded (to video cassette tape I assume) in 1996 and reflects its time I think.
The sound quality is actually not as bad as in some of the other videos I have already featured on this blog (and no doubt many to come). There is no loud equipment noises in the background for example.
It is designed to inform/educate and as such is calm and unadulterated by extraneous sounds (such as a snazzy backing track for example). It’s recorded at the University of Michigan – Department of Neurology, February 16th 1996.
The Neurologic Exam part 1
This video is of sufficient quality that it crops up in a number of ASMR video compilations which are the kind of ASMR videos I do not watch anymore. It is too much like a box of sweets in which a good twenty percent of the sweets you do not like. Compilation videos are complicated by the fact that no one seems to be able to get the inter-clip volumes to agree. If you start off at a quiet sleep-friendly volume you can be woken sometime later by an individual with a predisposition to bellow. This is John Wald and Douglas Gelb in a demonstration of how to run a Neurologic Exam but who (presumably inadvertently) have good voices for ASMR. In this I feel that Douglas edges out John slightly. Which is good news because in this video he also does the majority of the talking.
Johnwaldmd is the channel (presumably the John Wald MD in the video footage although somewhat more advanced in years I would suggest). I’m guessing a great many of the people who watch the ASMR video compilations were probably as yet unborn when this video was first recorded.
There are only seven videos in this channel and it is obvious that we will not be looking at many of those; some of them appear to appeal to quite a narrow audience (probably family and friends).
I think we can consign four of these into the metaphorical ASMR bin without further review, leaving the above one and two others. Part two of the above presentation:
The Neurologic Examination part 2
This is the “review” section which effectively is giving instruction on how to perform the neurologic exam. In my view this is not as wonderful from an ASMR perspective so I think it won’t make the grade for the playlist.
There is also this video:
VTS 01 0
This is both silent and only 30 seconds long so it may have been some kind of test…
So one video only this time around folks.
On that basis I have not created a playlist for johnwaldmd.
The overall playlist containing all the videos featured in this blog is here:
I hope that you find it relaxing.
If you liked this blog article why not subscribe to this blog.
I realise that for people who have not been following (the ASMR theme on) this blog since the beginning might find this to be nonsense. For such people, a bit of background. With each blog article I review a video (mostly videos located on YouTube) for its ability to either produce ASMR symptoms or to be restful enough to aid in sleep. At the end of which the video either gets added to The Procrastination Pen playlist or it does not. The assumption is that ASMR aficionados will just go straight to the playlist and listen, but some of you may like to read the material before doing that.
For an idea of where this all began take a look at the initial ASMR blog post which will give you an idea.
I think we are on more solid ground today as this one is back firmly in the medical exam area.
The channel is Ryann McCarty and sadly for us is not going to be a rich resource of ASMR material. In fact, there is one playlist of music videos entitled Rye and the video that we are featuring today entitled:
Ryann McCarty Student Nurse health assessment performance
So this is all you get today I’m afraid – look at it as an appetiser – keeping you keen to see yet more. (Yes, that didn’t sound that accurate to me either). Posted in 2017 and nothing posted on this channel subsequently. (The music playlist was last updated in 2020). Hopefully Ryann is out there doing more important things with her life. The sleeve badge seems to be for Suny Downstate College of Nursing, only sometime subsequently they’ve had a rebrand.
Ryann announces herself at the beginning so we’re pretty certain this is the Ryann we’re talking about. Initially her voice is a bit loud but once the examination starts it begins to settle down (although I don’t think she will ever be a Hollie Berry).
At intervals, (despite the constant air conditioning sounds in the background) I found myself quite calmed by it.
At one stage the person behind the camera starts laughing which is a little disconcerting. (It is easy to forget that there will always be a third person in each of these one-to-one encounters due to the presence of the camera).
I also liked the comment about cold hands – one feature of using alcohol-based hand sanitiser is that your hands get properly freezing – although in other videos I have featured in the past the medical professional does warn the patient about the incoming iceberg.
The notes state “Week 6 lab- Final health assessment performance”. I’m not sure how the education process works but if Ryann achieved this level of proficiency after merely 6 weeks of education then I am impressed.
In all quite a charming short piece at twenty minutes and fourteen seconds. Worthy of adding to the Procrastination Pen playlist I think.
The overall playlist of all videos featured so far in this blog is here:
I’ve used this technique myself with clients. It is a good creative technique to use with people who worry excessively or are anxious. Sometimes it is good to use techniques other than talking (and listening) in the room. Visual techniques are helpful in that they display to the client where their current thinking style/behaviour is taking them. It also can help them to clearly see changes that they need to make.
Everyone in the world has two seeds. There is a happy seed and a worry seed. You can do what you like with either seed – there is no instruction book. However the way you behave towards these two seeds is not without consequences.
This exercise is to show what happens when you pay attention to one or other seed.
Draw a happy seed and a worry seed at the bottom of a large piece of paper.
The client can pay attention to either seed. They must first nominate one as the happy seed and one as the worry seed. (Draw a label clearly at the base of the paper so that there is no doubt which one is which).
They can pay attention to either seed. Each seed needs feeding and watering so that it can grow.
If the client is prone to worry it is usually easier for them to pay attention to the worry seed. If a worry comes to mind have them draw a shoot from the worry seed. Have them attach a leaf to this shoot labelled with that worry.
At this stage the worry seed is developing into a plant. The happy seed is still just a seed. The client has free rein to add shoots to either seed. Have them add more shoots with whatever comes to mind.
Their predominant thinking style will rise to the surface. Someone who worries draws more worries.
Dependent upon how much the client has to bring up it might be that you will need a very large piece of paper for this. (Plain wallpaper for example is good).
As you watch what the client is doing you can see that they have a tendency to water and feed one particular plant dependent upon their thinking style.
This can continue for as long as you have time designated to this. However a definite pattern will have emerged.
Eventually the client will run out of things to add – or will have added as much as they can within the time you allotted for this activity. There will usually be an asymmetry between the two plants:
At which point you can point out to them that in life there is only one pot of time. They can pay attention to anything that they like but only one thing at a time. If they pay attention to the worry seed – they care for it, water it and it will start to grow.
A first worry leaf develops. With further attention to the worry seed another leaf pops up. If they keep caring for the worry seed in time a tree of worries will fill the page.
Their life will be full of worries and there will be no space left for happy.
They can’t care for the worry seed and at the same time pay attention to the happy seed. With no attention to the happy seed they concentrate all their energy on worry.
The worry tree becomes so huge that it is overwhelming. By comparison the stunted happy tree is undeveloped. In fact the happy tree is completely overshadowed by the worry tree and is not going to grow properly.
Get them then to consider how life would be different if they spent at least some time on the happy seed.
Better still if they watered and cared for the happy seed at the expense of the worry seed. How much different would life be then.
The intention is for them to seek out the parts of their lives that are happy and to minimise the time they spend worrying.
I can remember as a child being forced to apologise to people when I hadn’t any feelings of being sorry. In some cases I actually believed the other person was at fault.
I found that apologising has to come from within. Apologising when you do not mean it is empty and encourages feelings of revenge.
Research indicates that refusing to apologise is as beneficial as apologising. Refusing to apologise allows a person to feel more powerful and energised. The worst position is to sit on the fence and do nothing.
Some research shows that people who fail to apologise are happier than people who apologise.
In some circumstances apologising is damaging for the other person. For example if you reject someone with an apology this is more hurtful than plain rejection. The person is feeling both hurt and the need to forgive in the same moment. They need the time to process the hurt before considering forgiveness.
There are some benefits from choosing to apologise however. People prepared to apologise are viewed as more trustworthy. (Even where they apologise for things they cannot be responsible for – such as the weather).
Choosing to apologise may not be without consequences. These can range from embarrassment to admission of guilt. Admission of guilt can lead to other consequences: job loss, imprisonment, court cases and so on.
Every apology has to be considered. If you decide to apologise then at the very least you want your apology to be effective.
A recent counselling article indicates that apologies should contain the following elements:
Acknowledge the offense clearly – for example I did drive your car without your permission.
Explain it effectively – for example I waited until you went to work and took your keys from the dresser.
Restore the offended parties’ dignity – for example – it’s your car and I understand you will be mad that I used it.
Assure them they’re safe from a repeat offense. – I will not take your car again.
Express shame and humility – I feel very bad that I did this to you.
Make appropriate reparation – I will pay you for using the car and for the petrol.
Research indicates that apologies should offer assurances that the behaviour will not reoccur. They should contain sympathy for the victim. (An acceptance of responsibility coupled with a request for forgiveness).
The request for forgiveness may need to be withheld in some cases – when the victim needs time to process feelings and may not feel at all ready to forgive yet.
The timing of the apology is important. Apologising too soon may not have left the victim time to process feelings. Too late and the apology might appear to be insincere.
The key to a great apology lies in 6 key components:
Expression of Regret I’m sorry I ate all the French fries
Explanation of what went wrong I was hungry and ate them all
Acknowledgement of responsibility It was entirely my fault
Declaration of repentance I am really sorry
Offer of repair I will buy you some more French fries
Request for forgiveness. (However this is not applicable in every case – see text) please forgive me
These can be summarised as:
Tell the person how you feel I feel bad about what I have done
Admit the mistake and the impact of the mistake I ate the French fries and you went hungry
Repair the situation I’m going to buy you some more French fries
There are several examples of apologies that did not contain these key components. These have made the situation worse and/or made the victim(s) feel worse than prior to the apology.
A poor apology can lead to a desire for retribution by the victim. This could lead to a worse situation than if no apology had ever been offered.
The best apologies take into account the needs of the victim. This will require humility and empathy.
It stood out because of the parallels between the way this method suggests you manage challenge, and counselling practices I have observed.
Sadly for me the whole thing falls down through its focus on people of greatest ability; I think this is a mistake.
These people are certainly the highest earners and therefore unsurprisingly the focus of an enterprise like Thrive Labs http://www.thrivelabs.co/ which Priya Parker is running.
Elitism over life-changing advice ensures that Priya’s business gets to pay the bills but the very brightest are only going to be a percentage in any population.
That would leave 499 out of every 500 people who are not benefiting from this technique.
For every Einstein there are hundreds that made sure he had roads to drive on, bread for his sandwiches, and cotton for his shirts.
This needlessly restricts the audience for such advice. Given this is very like a standard CBT technique which is designed to work for everyone.
When I saw this video I thought about the aspects of its message that involved challenge.
Important and creative parts of the counselling process involve challenge.
Counselling homework involves facing your true self and your fictions.
Challenge is key to making positive change.
Priya indicates self-challenge is critical in leading a life you will be happy to look back on in later years. Her strap line is “quit your life and reboot”.
The video had no associated transcript: you may want the edited highlights rather than the entire talk.
These are the highlights that stood out for me:
People hate their jobs. They apply themselves and work hard but they stay because they are afraid to leave.
People would like to make better life choices.
The anxieties of the “brightest” is a public problem.
Everyone has fears I wonder what those who are not thought of as the “brightest” are to do about them?
There are various methods to address these anxieties. These methods also attempt to identify need in the world and recruit people to address that need.
There are different levels of need in the world: whilst one man’s challenge is to resolve drought in sub-Saharan Africa, another man may content himself with fixing the neighbour’s car.
1. The Obituary Test
Imagine that your death is being announced. Write your own obituary.
(Presumably you are not allowed to use latitude here. For example I would probably start out “Phil was a bang up chap who everyone loved…”)
The aim is to drive out how you would like to have lived
(I’m guessing this does not allow for: “like Ozzy Osbourne”).
2. The Passion Comic Strip
A number of people believe that they have no passions. This method will help you to identify your passion.
Interview five to ten people who know you well. Ask them when it was that they saw you look most alive. (Think Wallace meets Wensleydale.)
(I wonder if all such moments would be suitable for sharing?)
Draw a comic strip:
The reason you use drawing here is that:
Drawing utilises a different part of the brain to writing. (This seems to assume that you have the capacity to draw.)
Images are more powerful than words. (In what way images are more powerful is not described.)
Most people’s drawing skill is rubbish so you will not be able to take yourself too seriously once you have seen the resulting comic strip. (Again a valid counselling technique.)
3. Get Comfortable With Discomfort
This strikes me as like CBT in terms of challenge which indicates that almost anyone could participate in this activity.
Quitting life is scary hence you need to develop “discomfort muscles”.
(You will still feel the fear but you also need to be able to manage it).
In a queue (say at a supermarket checkout) start singing – keep singing even when you can feel your heart pounding.
Take yourself to dinner alone AND take no reading material. Take no phone. Do not make any excuses. Book it; turn up; eat a full dinner alone with nothing to distract you from your discomfort.
The backward elevator test. Walk in to an elevator, face the back. Keep facing the back even as everyone in the elevator gets uncomfortable.(What prevents people dragging you off to certain institutions, thumping you or reporting you to law enforcement agencies is not detailed in this video.)
4. Give Yourself a Life Sentence
Critical questions:
What do I value?
What is my purpose?
What do I want to be?
There are three parts to a life sentence:
What are the qualities or values I want to bring with me?
What is it that I actually do?
(Given you’re on The Procrastination Pen this might be a valid question).
To what end? (Why do you do this)?
This is regarded as the hardest of the methods but it is the most effective. It needs a large commitment of time. Generally with someone who knows you well.
Once completed this is useful as a filter – everything in life will take you closer or further away from your life sentence.
If it is part of the life sentence you do more of it. If it falls outside the life sentence you do less or stop doing it altogether.
5. Dwindling Cash Experiment
How do you know how much is enough money for you?
Not merely how much do you need to live but how much do you need to feel comfortable?
The test is to understand what it is like to live on different incomes by experiencing those incomes.
Sit down and calculate how much money you spend in a month. Take out this sum. Hold it in an envelope (say under the mattress)
.
(Given I work in security this sounds needlessly scary why not store it in the safe instead.)
Week 1 – take out 40% of the amount you withdrew; spend it on what you like.
Week 2 – take out 30% of that original figure and spend it.
Week 3 – take out 20% of the original figure.
Week 4 – take out 10%. (This assumes a four week month).
So if the total amount is £5000 a month.
In week one you have £2000 to spend.
In week two £1500.
In week three £1000.
In week four £500.
The lack of knowledge about how much money is enough creates fear. This enables you to work out how much is enough for you.
(£1 ½ million monthly would do me nicely.)
6. Help Somebody Else
Work out which five of your friends do interesting work.
(Assuming that you have five friends).
Spend an hour with them problem solving their stickiest problem.
This assumes you are capable of solving this problem –perhaps for the purposes of this the attempt is sufficient.
This is beneficial because:
– It creates a habit of “how can I help” – a habit which is helpful to society. It has also been established that helping others is good for your well-being as well.
When: 05-11-2016 Where: Grafham Village Hall http://www.grafham.org.uk/villagehallhire Price: £4 per adult, £2 children (free parking) – sparklers £1 for 5 Tip: take something to light sparklers with.
Amazing the number of places who believe that the gunpowder plot was on November 4th. Maybe my memory isn’t so hot but I thought it went “remember remember the 5th of November.”
I had high hopes of attending Kimbolton this year but it turns out the Catholic attempts at shrugging off Protestant repression occurred a whole day earlier than I thought.
Sadly coincidentally with my seeing a couple of counselling clients. (Who (I imagined) might think it a bit rich if I sloped off to catch a few fireworks).
Anyway so it was the 5th and fight my way into Cambridge (and choose between parking in a dinky car sized space or paying an Ivana Trump style fee for leaving my wheels somewhere).
Alternatively something a bit more local and risk fireworks – the impressiveness of which probably wouldn’t disturb the wildlife much.
And so I saw an advert for fireworks at Grafham (piggin’ close), ample on street parking (free) and £4 entry.
This appealed to every cheapskate aspect of my personality.
Of course it is dark around 11am now and this is profoundly disturbing to a large number of motorists I have discovered.
Therefore I was pleasantly surprised when turning off at Great Staughton that we managed a steady 50mph all the way to the Grafham village turn.
The event is surprisingly well subscribed and we joined a convoy on the access road which culminated in the inevitable car park when we reached the village.
However there was a left turn which had something to do with the church – I figured we had legs. The decision turned out to be a good one as we parked just inside the village limits and were followed by lots of other motorists looking for some gridlock respite.
The walk to the village hall had a frisson of excitement as I had no idea where it was. There was general milling around of tired taller people with excitable smaller ones.
Eventually tagging along with a reasonable sized group of smaller people (at a distance I judged appropriate to avoid Rolf Harris accusations) led us out into a well-lit area. Where people were extracting us from our silver and permitting us access in one motion.
It turned out that smaller persons were only £2 so something of a bargain if you have smaller persons that you intend to take.
The field was already looking like the early stages of a concert venue and one person was doing a swift trade in packets of sparklers – something I cannot remember playing with since I was myself a smaller person.
These were the ruinous amount of £1 for a packet of 5 (so we got two packets).
I hadn’t thought to bring lighting devices so sidled over to a man who seemed capable of turning multiple sausages at once on a barbecue that the US airforce would have envied.
We got the first sparkler lit but then instead of enjoying it I spent the remaining time anxiously lighting one after the other from it to ensure we had a means of lighting them.
Phil’s top tip take a cigarette lighter…
By this stage a healthy queue had developed and given the English love of queues I had to participate.
We were queuing beside the QE2 sized barbecue and heading into a village hall so I had strong hopes of tea.
The queue became porous as greater and greater numbers of people poured in and wanted intimate contact with the bonfire. Only accessible apparently by pushing past those queueing.
The night was perishing windy and I was grateful for the surrounding houses which kept the autumnal blast down to merely finger biting proportions.
After an interval – in which some members of the queue had evolved into other life forms – we got inside the door and saw the queue split in different directions.
No tea.
There was a sign saying mulled wine – tempting but no mulled wine was off. Later someone went in for mulled wine from the bonfire and I reflected that they really needed to up the volumes – a lot.
There was hotdog, there was soup, there were baked potatoes.
Hmm decisions decisions big stomach ache or really big stomach ache. (I have IBS so I’m not supposed to eat wheat or potatoes).
So we opted for hotdog, which on a cold autumn night was frankly delicious in fact I had two of them.
£1 each – another Grafham bargain. Volunteers were friendly and in frank amazement at the level of demand – food shifting at a rate of knots. I reassured them by telling them about the car parking demands and likely consequence for their ability to get out at the end. (I’m noted for my helpfulness).
We emerged at the self-same moment the fireworks began with an enormous clap that should have accompanied the London New Year’s celebrations (and not a small fireworks display in a local village).
It was so exciting that out came the iPhone:
After far too many pictures and fingers turning the shade of whitewash I had to put gloves on again – never thought iPhone gloves would be of any use till this.
It was spectacular so many bangs you could have made a convincing run at the 1812 overture. So many wees and squeals that a room full of piglets with a megaphone would not have outdone it.
Every time that I thought it was at an end another ffft-pow and a great hailstorm of light followed.
Truly the best £4 I’ve spent of late.
And then the silence of the expiry of a few thousand pounds of fireworks.
Followed by much whooping and cheering from the taller persons assembled.
(Smaller persons engaged with various highly-lit toys including some very impressive light-changing light sabres which I really wanted).
So the crowds headed for the exit like some AC/DC concert exodus.
Reason dictated that the tiny village exit road was now swamped with 4x4s and people carriers so we snuck over close to the dying fire.
Just enough heat to warm the face not quite enough for toasty to properly set in.
After a wait that just saw the worst of the crowds dissipate we headed out.
Every road was a trail of red tail lights – it appeared I was going to get to know the best of Radio 4’s evening entertainment.
However the choice of church lane turned out to have been an inadvertent masterstroke.
Somehow we had parked in an area that had quickly cleared of cars.
A quick turn into the village and it was out on the road we came in on. Not only that but 45mph was a reality – despite the obvious darkness. (There is no understanding the brazen guts of people is there).
So home in minutes – feet up with a glass of something – can’t say fairer than that. A top endorsement from me; if you’re in the area next November…
You can’t see road signs so you get glasses. You can’t see to thread a needle, so you get glasses. Any task involves juggling eyesight correcting devices. You develop a facility for recognising different varieties of fuzzy as objects.
Just as you get to like something you find that the shops stop stocking it. Years ago you just moved on. Now you find yourself scanning auction sites, second hand stores, junk shops in the hope of continuing to use that thing you have a fondness for.
Suddenly everything in the past seems more pleasant than today. You forget the shoddy brakes on your first car and wish you still had it. You forget the unpleasantness with the neighbour and consider that everyone was much friendlier then. Constant rain showers are dispelled in memories of long summers of unbroken sunshine. You have entered the nostalgia zone.
After a long time of dismissing it as boring you find an hour of Gardeners’ World quite relaxing. You get drawn in. Before long you find that you are making way too many visits to garden centres. Eventually you start listening to Gardeners’ question time…
You meet up with some friends that you haven’t seen in a long time. You know that you haven’t changed but you are shocked at how old they look…
In conversation someone remarks that you have a lot less time to go than you have already had. After the message has had time to sink in you realise that actually you don’t mind about that. You wonder if that means there is something wrong with you.
Whitening your teeth sounds a great idea. Surely this would improve your appeal to other people. However you realise that your mouth now contains more amalgam than tooth.
Snoring will start to punctuate your night time hours. You will find no explanation for this. In order to avoid being murdered by your partner you take to the sofa.
Your body formerly lived a halcyon existence of cooperative equanimity. Now the disparate parts engage in a war with one another. If one area is dry an adjacent area is greasy. If one is jittery due to inactivity another is tired out from exercise. Whilst one feels fit another feels damaged. Every action is punctuated with either fatigue, itching or little stabs of pain; apparently to remind you that this dispute is underway.
Other people have now moved you from a position where you might have been appealing to some kind of universal parent figure. Your role is now to listen and support; to give advice (which they will ignore). This enables them to go on with their lives; in which it is never suspected you could be involved.
All very well but for me this article did not reflect being 50 in any real sense.
Here are the steps that you will inevitably encounter when you’re 50.
Tradition dictates that there should be 50 of these, but 10 is all I’m prepared to read at one sitting.
Alcohol: moderate drinking leaves you with a hangover which would’ve taxed Gandhi. More than moderate drinking has you escorted to a hospice. Drinking over more than one day means a trip to an expensive rehab centre.
You will forget the name of someone you’ve known for at least ten years; you’ll be too embarrassed to admit it. Months later you’ll be trying to remember where you put your keys; for no obvious reason the name will pop back into your head.
A malicious poltergeist will move into your house. It will confine itself to moving your keys, your money, your work’s access pass. You will spend the start of most journeys hunting for one or more of these items.
You will develop an irresistible urge to sleep whenever you sit down – any comfortable surface will find you drooling into your collar: park benches, train seats, brambles, nettles.
You’re on better terms with the doctor than you have been your whole life; your medical records are being moved to The National Archives.
You meet some people from school and find at least one person you knew is already dead and has been for some time. You start guessing which of you will be next.
Without warning you develop a fondness for cardigans, they become your default outer wear.
Saga starts to send you junk mail – for some reason their trips start to look interesting.
Room temperature of 20 oC seems to be like the inside of a Greenland glacier; you keep revisiting the thermostat.
The heroes you’ve had in your life now turn out to be paedophiles or dead or more often both.
For a long time you have prided yourself on how laid-back you are. Not for you excitement over the miners’ strike, Milli Vanilli, or the Falkland’s war. Recently you are getting red-faced; yelling at the television like some Alf Garnett caricature. You start to avoid certain national newspapers and Question Time on the BBC.
You’ve crammed as much into your life as you thought possible; considered that every moment was a busy moment. Now juggling has become more frenetic. You consider ways to do more: reading whilst going to the loo; learning whilst sleeping; writing your memoirs whilst stood on one foot pulling on a sock. You wonder whether sleep should be optional.
Posters, brochures, TV adverts you notice are predominantly in favour of young people. You’ve never noticed this before. “Young people are our future”; “young people deserve a chance”; “think of the children”. You’ve been excluded from important people in society and no one gave you any warning.
Skimpy underwear for young people is exciting, no underwear is considered provocative. For some reason now big underwear is appealing; if it doesn’t reach your belly-button you no longer consider buying it.
Gatherings of people seem to generate enough noise to rival a Motörhead concert. You find yourself avoiding socialising; instead sitting in to watch repeats of familiar programmes.
People now find it a great idea to deny how old you are. “You’re 50; you don’t look it”; “I never would have thought that you were 50”; “50? You look much younger”. Even though you know that it’s fabricated, you still like it and work to pretend it is genuine.
There are gaps in your hearing – tones that you can no longer hear. You attend hearing tests and no one can detect these gaps. Oh there’s hearing loss but that’s “normal” for your age. People you like start to use those tones to communicate. “What?” is now a conversational feature.
Despite appearances, as far as you’re concerned you are still 18. You feel 18. You’re sure you think like 18. If only your knee would stop hurting you’d give that snowboarding a try. Other people see you as some hoary old hermit. This is confusing. For some reason you’re no longer allowed to go rock climbing, roller blading or clubbing and you’re unable to understand why.
Things that happened yesterday as far as you’re concerned: the music of your youth; the attitudes of your teen years; the clothes people chose. These are now referred to as “classic” or “old school”. Those times are regarded as morally the Wild West. Those who lived through them are regarded with suspicion; as borderline depraved.
You’ve ceased to be described by absolutes. When you were younger you might have been “good at maths”; “good at running” or, if you were very lucky “good” with the opposite sex. Now “for your age” becomes a universal qualifier “your vision isn’t bad for your age”; “your blood pressure is good for your age” or if you’re very lucky “you look good for your age”. You’ve lost the ability to be just “good” at anything and have joined a group of people older than 50 who must therefore be less “good” than everybody else.
The Procrastination Pen 