Sleeping With ASMR

Last night I discovered that the shuffle function on YouTube is not exactly up to spec. For example, a specific set of adverts can stop the shuffle function in its tracks. I also discovered that some adverts cause the track not to return, but instead, it sets off a not-responding loop.

I recommend the shuffle function because the playlist is growing organically and, therefore, all of the tracks from one review appear in one place. This would mean that if there were, for example eight recommendations from one YouTube channel then these would all occur one after the other. That could make for very dull listening. However, this error in the shuffle function is quite disconcerting.

I do not regularly come across it, which seems to indicate that the problem occurs with specific video/advert combinations. It is irritating when the desire is that the playlist is kicked off and then continues without interaction until waking up the following morning. The error has proven that this is not always reliable.

Currently, I have no adequate solution. I have had the odd problem with YouTube which regular readers will have come across. Alternatives do exist (for example, I often listen to Calm). Some of these would make for less interactive blog posts. However, I am considering widening the scope of these articles to cover some of these alternatives.

Today’s though returns us to YouTube, as has been habitual for a long time now. However, it differs from the usual approach in that, in fact, it is a playlist.

Draping (How to Drape)

by Blackriver & Bootsma Education

It consists of four videos, which is actually a rather good number of videos to cover in one blog post.

The playlist occurs on the Blackriver & Bootsma Education channel. Whilst I am looking at it, I notice it has two hundred and ninety-six videos, as at today’s date, and a quite whopping 52.9K subscribers. I would have little doubt that some of them are going to be ASMR fans as well.

As I have pointed out before ASMR fans can spot a great video in the dark at fifty paces whilst wearing a blindfold.

There are thirteen playlists (The longest having one hundred and forty-two videos) but none seem to be of as such a convenient length for review as this playlist.

However, I have little doubt we will be back to take another look-see at this channel.

How to Drape – Prone (Face Down) [Upper Body, Lower Body, High Glute] Massage Position

This is nearly twenty-one minutes in length, so sizeable in comparison to some we have recently looked at. It starts without start up music and that is very welcome. It has notes and comments and for a change, none of the comments are unhelpful. The medical professional though is quite loud and I had to turn the volume way down. Once I had done that though, the presentation was excellent with none of the equipment noises we have sadly become so used to. The associated noises include movement of sheets which some ASMR fans seem to rather enjoy. At the time I am looking at it, YouTube took every opportunity to insert adverts (every few minutes) and a number of those adverts were really quite distracting. This now seems to be a standard thing – see the comments above about alternatives shortly being included in these blog posts.

Despite the volume, the presenting professional has a great and measured voice. It is very easy to listen to and definitely calming without any jarring unexpected noises.

It was sufficiently calming that the advert breaks come as an unpleasant surprise.

I’m not really expecting that anyone will pay much attention to the subject matter, it being mainly a source of relaxation for sleep. However, it is quite an interesting subject in itself. I would not have known there was so much to it and the number of considerations that need to be taken into account.

How to Drape – Supine (Face Up) [Upper Body, Lower Body, Abdominal, Chest, V Shape] Massage Position

This commences in the same way as the previous one, no startup music, a calm presentation, a very good start. Yet again I kept the volume button on the low side and you might experience inter-video volume issues on the playlist with some of those with a quieter presentation. In an ideal world, I could normalise the volumes so that as one video ended and another began but that option does not appear to be available.

The process is quite careful and a great deal of thought has obviously gone into it.

I notice however that the floor is floorboards, there are wooden cabinets there is a rug. This has the feel of domestic rather than a medical establishment. (I’m sure most medical establishments opt for wipe-clean surfaces simply on the basis of being more hygienic).

How to Drape – Supine to Sidelying (High Glute) Massage Position

This one is short by comparison with those we have just seen, at just over seven and a half minutes. However, it is very similar to what has gone before. This time, one person in the comments is seeking medical advice. People seem to do this elsewhere in YouTube and on the Internet. I suspect when the developers of AI technologies cotton onto this tendency for people to trust almost any location on the Internet for medical advice (more than say an actual medical professional) there will be a large number of medical bots stood up which for a small fee will diagnose and recommend…

The consistency of the video presentation is a great sign and is an indication that this is a professionally prepared video (we have seen the kind of variety in presentation that occurs in student assessment videos, for example).

There really is little to choose between the ones reviewed so far, and this means that we can push all of them forwards into the Procrastination Pen playlist.

The Blackriver & Bootsma Playlist on the Procrastination Pen is here:

The overall playlist of videos covered so far on the Procrastination Pen is here:

The videos weeded out because over time they are just not as good as the others is in this archive list:

I keep this in case subscribers to the Procrastination Pen have personal favourites that they want to hear.

The playlist of videos requiring age verification is here:

I can’t be bothered to stop my listening to log on, this interrupts the experience. You may not mind this in which case this list is for you.

I hope that you find the playlists restful and I hope you get plenty of sleep.

If you liked this blog article why not follow this blog.

Until next time.

Photo by Shona Macrae

Sleeping With ASMR

I am mulling over the idea of making this available in audio. I have seen other blogs where the authors have done this.

I have a PC, a microphone and a copy of Audacity (which is moderately up to date). How hard can it be?

However, I am evaluating videos with the occasional critical air about people’s voices. I can hardly compare myself to Morgan Freeman. Hence, I could be opening myself up to a set of (justified) criticism.

Whilst I consider that as a future option, let’s take a look at today’s video.

We return to Moran CORE which has been a favourite of ours on more than one occasion.

Today’s video is this one:

Basic B scan Examination Techniques 1

And for once I am content that I have not reviewed this video previously.

As always, in our peruse of this channel, we find a professionally produced video. When we find a professionally produced video, it usually includes notes:

“8 Feb 2018

Title: Basic B scan Examination Techniques 1

Author:

Date: 9/15/2016

From Moran CORE Collection: http://morancore.utah.edu”

Reasonably succinct notes in this case which, of course, leaves us thirsty for more understanding. (Oh, just me then).

It is just over six and a half minutes and so positively a glimmer in comparison to some we have reviewed.

Comments are not permitted. (usually a great idea) however the upshot of which is that we have no clue as to whether other ASMR fans have found this one. (In all likelihood they have).

Definition:

A “B scan” turns out to be ultrasound.

The video’s introduction is without music (wahey). But also, without any details of the participants (boo). The medical professional has an excellent voice and there is little obtrusive background noise. (Heaven be praised). Even the habitual air-conditioning noise seems to have been given instructions to “keep it down a bit”.

The exam proceeds at a measured pace and there is no hint of elevated voices, such as when talking to a classroom. This is quite a surprising combination and one which marks this video as suitable for the Procrastination Pen playlist.

Given the video is at this standard, it seems sensible to locate other videos with the same participants. However, given we do not know for certain who they are, there is the need to identify another technique.

In this case, I searched the channel for “B Scan” and there are a number of such videos. I then filtered visually to include only those with visually the same participants. This gives us:

Basic B Scan Examination Techniques 2

As for the previous video, so for this one. Perhaps the volume is a little increased. Possibly the air conditioning has decided to up its participation a little. But otherwise, much the same. Even down to the lack of start-up music. The notes are similar and I think, therefore, no longer worthy of reviewing.

The video is another short one at a bit over five and a half minutes. The participants are the same but, again, they are unidentified. There are no comments permitted.

The medical professional still has a calm voice but is now a bit more “projecting to a room”, which is sad given the standard of the previous video.

I still think it is worthy of inclusion in the Procrastination Pen playlist. However, as regular readers will know, it may still get despatched to the archive list if after a while it turns out to be more irritating than I first thought. (Some videos do not stand up well to repeated listening).

Basic B Scan Examination Techniques 3

The more alert amongst you will have noticed a theme to the titles so far. This does not persist, so don’t take it for granted. A little less than three and a half minutes. It isn’t around for long. I’m not a fan of artificially combining videos. However, in this case, I think I would make an exception. If I had some dispensation, I would combine videos 1, 2 and 3 into one video as it would be more helpful for people drifting off, and to delay the inevitable YouTube advert interference for as long as it is feasible to do so.

This one is more like the last video than the first one. It is a little louder than the first video and the air conditioning is certainly more noticeable. However, I still think it makes it into the Procrastination Pen playlist. Let me know if you disagree.

Immersion Techniques

The titles no longer follow a theme and neither does the length of the videos which seemed to be reducing. Now we have a video at just less than four and a quarter minutes in length. The same participants, the same noise levels, the same absence of music of any variety.

I think that the medical professional has decided that the virtual audience isn’t quite paying the level of attention that she would like and so, on occasion, raises her voice quite a bit. However, the examination is still nicely paced. I am still of a mind to put this in the Procrastination Pen playlist, but I keep the entire list under review.

Biometry

The starting image is startling (even alarming) as if the patient has recently been liberated from the Borg ship and needs eye implants removing. The video is brief at less than 3 minutes and shares the characteristics of videos that have gone before. So, if you can get past that first image, there is nothing scary in it.

That’s it for this week. Hopefully you found at least one video here that you enjoyed.

The Moran Core playlist on the Procrastination Pen is here:

The overall playlist of videos covered so far on the Procrastination Pen is here:

The videos weeded out because over time they are just not as good as the others is in this archive list:

I keep this in case subscribers to the Procrastination Pen have personal favourites that they want to hear.

The playlist of videos requiring age verification is here:

I can’t be bothered to stop my listening to log on, this interrupts the experience. You may not mind this in which case this list is for you.

I hope that you find the playlists restful and I hope you get plenty of sleep.

If you liked this blog article, why not follow this blog.

Until next time.

Photo by Shona Macrae

Sleeping With ASMR

If you find yourself tired in front of the TV, but by the time you’ve got into bed somehow circumstances have conspired to leave you wide awake, it can mean that you lie there looking at the ceiling and feeling a sense of frustration and panic as the minutes and hours pass and still you are not getting the rest you hoped for.

In these circumstances I find it useful to distract myself with some other activity and of late, the restful video has proven to be relatively useful. Not a panacea, but one tool in the toolbox to help get off to sleep.

Today’s video comes from a channel we have explored before of which more in a minute.

The video is this one:

Respiratory Examination – OSCE Guide (Latest)

and at nine and a half minutes definitely not the longest such video we have reviewed.

As a professionally produced video it has notes (oh, what a lot of notes)

“26 Feb 2018 Clinical Examination (OSCE) Guides

We’ve just released a collection of 500+ OSCE Stations! 🙌 https://geekymedics.com/osce-stations/ See the written guide alongside the video here https://geekymedics.com/respiratory-e…

This video provides a guide to respiratory examination, including real-time auscultation sounds of common pathology such as:

– Coarse crackles

– Fine crackles

– Wheeze

– Stridor

The ability to carry out a thorough respiratory examination is something every medic needs to master. This video aims to give you an idea of what’s required in the OSCE and you can then customise the examination to suit your own personal style.

Special thanks to http://www.easyauscultation.com and Andy Howes for providing some of the respiratory sounds.

Always adhere to your medical school/local hospital guidelines when performing examinations or clinical procedures. DO NOT perform any examination or procedure on patients based purely upon the content of these videos. Geeky Medics accepts no liability for loss of any kind incurred as a result of reliance upon the information provided in this video.

Some people have found this video useful for ASMR purposes.”

In fact, I edited the notes down a bit or they would comprise a fair amount of the entire blog article.

Interesting that a channel dedicated to medical examination tuition should mention ASMR in that way and quite unusual. The comments indicate that ASMR fans are just lapping this up, so it all bodes well.

Fortunately, the start-up music is very muted. The participants are Andrew, a final year medical student and James Alexander D.o.B. 13/12/1989 (that’s December if you use a dating system other than that used in the UK).

Straight away, Andrew has a very good voice and has a relaxing style of presentation. The pace is measured (unlike the frenetic approach of some nursing student videos). Sadly, this means that YouTube gets the opportunity to slot in a few of its noisier and more obtrusive adverts which hopefully will not be happening to you as you’re watching/listening to this.

There are some rather unpleasant lung-related sounds which are unwelcome for our purposes, but may well be useful in the educational context which, let’s face it, is what this video is intended for.

The channel (as you suspected, I bet) is:

Geeky Medics https://www.youtube.com/@geekymedics.

This has two hundred and eighteen videos as at the date I am checking it and I will not be reviewing all of those anytime soon. It appears that the Andrew and James combination appear in a fair subset of them as well.

In this case, I decided to explore the channel using the term “respiratory” to determine what else we could find. We start out with some YouTube shorts, which by their nature don’t run for long, and so I am a little averse to them for the purpose which we are attempting to put them to. It won’t stop me using a really good one though.

Respiratory Exam OSCE Tips

This sounds a bit like Sammy in “Over the Hedge”, it is at two hundred miles per hour. I’m sure it is designed to get a ton of information into a tiny amount of time but heck it is as restful as Piccadilly Circus. It’s a shame too, because the participant would appear to have a good voice.

Respiratory Exam OSCE Tips

The same participant, the same format and the same comments as for the previous video.

Respiratory Examination Signs in COPD – OSCE Guide

Oh no background music, in fact entirely background music. The comments are presented on the screen rather than spoken. This makes this video not desperately useful for our purposes.

Lung sounds (respiratory auscultation sounds)

At under one and one quarter minutes this is not hanging about and it contains some very unpleasant sounds as well. Not one I’m going to use in the Procrastination Pen playlist.

Respiratory History Taking – OSCE Guide

This time a bit over eighteen minutes so a more substantial video. No obvious ASMR related comments (which might be bad news). Very brief startup music (thankfully). It is narrated by Dr Chris Jefferies who has a good voice.

Sadly, it does not include a medical examination as such and so it is a bit marginal for our purposes.

It is a bit of a presentation-format and as such not that fascinating I suspect for anyone not directly studying this subject area.

It is probably tolerable for the Procrastination Pen playlist but may suffer a future weeding activity.

Lung sounds made easy

Back to another YouTube short which includes some rather unpleasant sounds on it. I don’t think this one is much use to us.

Percussion & Auscultation of the Lungs – OSCE Guide | Clip

This one is four minutes long, so not huge by any means. It has the brief startup music still and has the slow measured approach of the first video we considered in this blog article. However, it also includes all the unpleasant lung-related noises so I am going to discount this from the Procrastination Pen playlist.

Respiratory Examination – OSCE Guide (Old Version)

This is just under eight and a half minutes. Posted nine years ago at the time I am looking at it. Andrew Pugh features again. There is startup music which is way too funky. The “patient” this time is Dan Page (I believe.) I’m sure I get the names wrong a good deal of the time when relying upon listening alone). His D.o.B is 01/01/1995 (which is January whichever dating system you’re currently using).

Andrew continues to have a good voice although this has a distinct echoey sound as if they have not yet ironed out the microphone approach for the recording.

Dan looks like he needed much more sleep recently than he apparently got but as he does not get to say much those people listening are unlikely to notice. The ward area where the recording is taking place is utterly deserted. How they managed to achieve this I do not know. Perhaps the clue is in Dan’s tiredness, 4am on a Sunday recording possibly.

Respiratory Examination – OSCE Guide (Old Version)

This one is a little less than ten minutes. More of the funky music to start. I’m not sure why people consider this a great idea. Andrew Pugh returns. Alan Johnson is the “patient”. Twelve years ago (when the video was posted) Alan was apparently thirty seven although he looks about nineteen.

Andrew remains on form voice wise. In fact, where the video lacks intrusive noises, they have all been good where they feature Andrew (rather like videos featuring Dr James Gill).

Andrew has on a badge which seems to indicate that this is at Newcastle University.

He appears to have studied here 2007-2012 and then again 2014-2015.

Newcastle as expected has its own YouTube channel. The crest associated with that channel looks very like the one on Andrew’s badge which I think confirms this.

Interestingly the closing credits state that Colin Brewster is the patient so Alan Johnson may well not exist.

The Geeky Medics playlist on the Procrastination Pen is here:

The overall playlist of videos covered so far on the Procrastination Pen is here:

The videos weeded out because over time they are just not as good as the others is in this archive list:

I keep this in case subscribers to the Procrastination Pen have personal favourites that they want to hear.

The playlist of videos requiring age verification is here:

I can’t be bothered to stop my listening to log on, this interrupts the experience. You may not mind this in which case this list is for you.

I hope that you find the playlists restful and I hope you get plenty of sleep.

If you liked this blog article, why not follow this blog.

Until next time.

Photo by Juan Gomez on Unsplash

Sleeping With ASMR

The further we get into 2025 the more people are becoming obsessed with sleep. This is probably the rectifying of the complete disregard that has been shown to it in previous decades.

I can remember certain public figures boasting that they needed little sleep (as if that was a good thing) and subsequently it being discovered that they were making up that sleep through napping.

What is currently missing is the configuring of work practices to respect sleep. Putting health before GDP would send a very significant message here.

There also seems to be little requirement for taking noise into account when designing and building housing, which has its own consequences. As is usual in such circumstances recommendations are around purchasing noise cancelling technology rather than ensuring houses are not exposed to excessive noise. (For example, before building them in the first place). Putting health before profits would send a significant message here.

If you’re in the, no doubt large, group of people exposed to excessive noise when you’re trying to sleep, I have found that having a noise playing of your own choosing can help. It depends on the noise and when it is happening. For example, a one-off sound at 2am, from a loud car say, can disrupt the rest of your sleep. A consistent noise that you grow used to through exposure may be less disruptive.

In any case, I have found as one gets older sensitivity to noise, when sleeping, seems to increase. The only way to react seems to be to take action yourself. Noise cancelling headphones can help. Although I find frequent use of these really hurts the ears eventually. A back track such as white noise (several generators are available) or, my favourite, a nice relaxing video can also be positive.

Statements that older people need less sleep have not proven correct in my case. I get less sleep, I am more tired, so I wonder how universally such findings apply.

In the drive to provide more relaxing videos for you, here is another blog item on exactly that subject.

Today’s video is already part of a playlist; however, it comes from a channel that I have regularly exploited for material so I have to be careful to avoid duplication in this area. If you spot duplication, do let me know.

The Exam for Ankle & Foot Pain – Stanford Medicine 25

As we have previously established this channel produces videos of consistent quality and as we would expect each video comes with a descriptive set of notes:

“19 Jul 2018 Stanford Medicine 25: Musculoskeletal Exam

This video is brought to you by the Stanford Medicine 25 to teach you the common causes of foot and ankle pain and how to diagnose them by the physical exam.

The Stanford Medicine 25 program for bedside medicine at the Stanford School of Medicine aims to promote the culture of bedside medicine to make current and future clinicians and other healthcare provides better at the art of physical diagnosis and more confident at the bedside of their patients.

Visit us:

Website: http://stanfordmedicine25.stanford.edu/

Blog: http://stanfordmedicine25.stanford.ed…

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/StanfordMedi…

Twitter: https://twitter.com/StanfordMed25

Diagnoses covered in this video:

Lateral Ankle Sprain

Talar Dome Osteochondral Defect

5th Metatarsal Fracture

Achilles Tendinopathy

Interdigital (Morton’s) Neuroma

Stress Fracture of 2nd Metatarsal

Plantar Fasciitis

Hallux Valgus (Bunion)”

Comments are permitted and, as expected, ASMR fans have been here before me. This probably means it is a good choice of video (although some less high-quality ones sometimes pass this test).

It is just less than seven and a half minutes, so not huge in terms of videos we have covered previously.

Of course, there is that bugbear of any ASMR video fan – the musical startup. Someday I will come across the command to dictate the start time of the video and such music will be banished forever.

This one features Dr Brinda Christopher again with whom we are well familiar.

Dr Christopher as we have established before has an excellent voice for such videos. It is great that we are re-acquainting ourselves with her. Chad is the patient (again).

There is some background noise (air conditioning again perhaps).

There are so many medical terms in this one that I am not going to attempt to define them – I’m guessing that you are not here to learn how to perform an ankle examination. If you are what a pleasant surprise and welcome.

The video is part of the Stanford Medicine 25 channel where there are eighty-five videos. I have no doubt that we will be sampling many more of these in the future.

The video we have just seen is part five of an eight-part playlist. In order to avoid covering areas that I will have covered before, I will limit myself to reviewing the remaining two videos in this playlist. Future blog items will catch up on any missing areas I am certain.

The Exam for Knee Pain – Stanford Medicine 25

There is startup music of course, comments and notes as before and the same two participants – so far, so consistent. At just less than eight minutes it is also of a similar length to the last one.

The great thing about a professional video is that if you liked it you may well like videos from the same provider. Many student videos we have seen can be great, only for the next video from the same source to be totally unsuitable.

The Exam for Shoulder Pain – Stanford Medicine 25

As before, comments indicate ASMR fans are all over this, and we have proven that they have good taste. The only way these could be improved would be to remove startup music and put a bomb in the air conditioning.

But in comparison to some noises we have heard in other videos, this is minor quibble area.

One great aspect is a complete absence of loud equipment clunks, and bangs, which other videos seem unable to avoid. We have the same two participants here and to ensure I do not overlap with material from the same channel covered previously I will make this the last video of this blog item.

This one is a little less than ten and a half minutes so quite a bit longer than the two previous ones. However you may find, like me, that you do not notice the extra time.

I wish you well in your drive to get more sleep.

The Stanford medicine playlist on the Procrastination Pen is here:

The overall playlist of videos covered so far on the Procrastination Pen is here:

The videos weeded out because over time they are just not as good as the others is in this archive list:

I keep this in case subscribers to the Procrastination Pen have personal favourites that they want to hear.

The playlist of videos requiring age verification is here:

I can’t be bothered to stop my listening to log on, this interrupts the experience. You may not mind this in which case this list is for you.

I hope that you find the playlists restful and I hope you get plenty of sleep.

If you liked this blog article, why not follow this blog.

Until next time.

Photo by Laura Matthews on Unsplash

Sleeping With ASMR

Re-reading some sleep advice that I had knocking around, I notice that one is supposed to sleep the same number of hours every night and if you don’t, then there will be a reckoning to come.

Added to this is the requirement that you go to bed at the same time, every night and awaken at the same time, every morning.

That sounds a great discipline and I would love to recommend it. However, I find myself utterly jiggered by close of play on a Friday and I take to bed and sleep till the gods have made off to find another planet (or for a very long time anyway).

I always found that this was my little weekly restorative and I’m sure that for many years it was. However, it does not seem to be as effective any longer and I am moderately convinced that is to do with ageing.

In the absence of changing my sleep pattern completely (and for those of you who also feel unable to do so), I’ll stick to finding restful videos that may encourage you to make the most of whatever sleep you are able to get. If you do find yourself crashing on a Friday night, desperate to make up for any lost time during the week, you now know I will not be judging you.

Today’s video is, again, taken from that deep well of videos which seemingly has no end on YouTube; the student assessment video.

Head-to-Toe Physical Assessment

The medical professional is Vivian and from the start has a very good voice. Vivian has on a top which identifies the college where presumably this is filmed but, sadly, I cannot make out what it says.

There are no notes with the video; there is one unhelpful comment and only two subscribers. This is either a journey to something new or a warning that this is not going to be that useful.

In fact, the sound is quite muted. The air conditioning is ever present (as we are used to by now) the patient is Lindsey Preston (probably misspelled), D.o.B. 03/03/97, whichever date system you use. I make that March.

There are the usual questions officially designed to check the person vs their record, but of course no record exists so it is, as usual, acting.

Lindsey (I’m sticking with that spelling now) announces that she is at Valencia Memorial Hospital (well I’m pretty sure that is what she says – it is a bit quick). Lindsey has a top on with the same appearance as that worn by Vivian it appears to say Valencia College nursing which might confirm that.

The tops worn by the nurses on that website do appear similar if in a different colour.

The college of course has it’s own YouTube channel.

Apart from the air conditioning there are no nasty intrusive noises. Vivian even seems able to move equipment around without the loud clangs that have punctuated some videos now in the Procrastination Pen archive list.

Her approach is methodical and gentle.

The video is just a short one at a little over six minutes.

The channel is Vivian Tran it contains just this one video uploaded in 2018 which is about the same date that it was filmed.

So, I’m sorry people, but that is all for this time.

The overall playlist of videos covered so far on the Procrastination Pen is here:

The videos weeded out because over time they are just not as good as the others is in this archive list:

I keep this in case subscribers to the Procrastination Pen have personal favourites that they want to hear.

The playlist of videos requiring age verification is here:

I can’t be bothered to stop my listening to log on, this interrupts the experience. You may not mind this in which case this list is for you.

I hope that you find the playlists restful and I hope you get plenty of sleep.

If you liked this blog article, why not follow this blog.

Until next time.

Photo by Francesco Ungaro on Unsplash

Sleeping With ASMR

A week in which I have had sympathy for those who are struggling to sleep and, in which, I have been quite dependent on the playlist for a restful breathing space. I’ve been active in weeding activity every time I happened across a more jarring moment.

I am researching the idea of trimming videos without actually hosting them. I haven’t made progress yet, but I live in hope that I may soon despatch funky startup music.

Today’s video another one properly designed for tuition of future medical professionals. Not the longest we’ve seen at a bit more than sixteen and a half minutes.

Neurological Assessment

There are moments of humour at the start including knocking on a surface to mimic entry. The patient is introduced as Mr Hoffman – which probably isn’t the correct spelling. The medical professional “Nancy” is from Harper College.

As we’d expect Harper College has its own channel the duty of which, I suspect, is to tell you that Harper College is fantastic, which no doubt it is.

Our purpose though, is the pursuit of restful videos. This one starts well by ignoring funky startup music. The Air conditioning noises are de rigueur for this sort of thing now, it would almost be rude to have a video without them.

Surprisingly for a professional video, there are no notes at all. There are plenty of comments, lots of strange comments as expected, but no obvious ASMR comments. Sometimes this does not bode well for the video.

Nancy does not have a classically restful voice; in fact, Mr Hoffman seems to have the better voice here. Thankfully, Mr Hoffman gets a fair amount of talk time in this one. The air conditioning is obviously a session musician paid by the volume, it is more intrusive even than we have come to expect.

The president at the time is Obama, so sometime between 2009 and 2017. The video was posted in 2015, so possibly shortly after it was filmed.

I think he refers to the medical professional as Nancy Haborector, that is so unlikely to be correct but it is what it sounds like. I think it is more likely Nancy Haberichter apologies Nancy if you are reading this.

Mr Hoffmann also talks to “Amy” who is behind the camera. That is a slightly off-putting event, in that I am used to dismissing the camera person from consciousness as if the filming was automatic and the interactions just between two. Amy, from that point onwards, makes a few contributions.

There are loud equipment noises in this as well.

Watch out around fifteen and a half minutes. Mr Hoffmann is obviously extremely ticklish and eventually the camera woman (Amy), Mr Hoffmann and Nancy are all taken up with laughter which fortunately brings the video to a conclusion.

The channel is Nursing Assessment and Skills, there are thirty-two videos and no playlists at all. So the normal mechanism of thinning out videos under review by using a convenient playlist is not available.

It turns out that Nancy is in the majority of such videos and Mr Hoffman is in a fair subset of them. So thinning by that mechanism isn’t looking too great either.

I notice that it appears that Mr Hoffmann is in thirteen of the videos and this is just too many for one post. So arbitrarily I am going to limit this post to three videos and we can come back again in a future blog post.

Basic Patient Assessment

This has the same two participants and is just over fifteen minutes. However, it is much more recent and it has notes “8 Jan 2019

This is the basic assessment that nursing students will perform at the bedside. You will notice that the lights go out when upper extremity assessment is started. So just keep watching. Nurses must be able to adjust the plan when necessary.”

Again, there are a variable set of comments around the video, but no obvious ASMR comments.

Here the volume seems to be more appropriate, and the air conditioning is keeping it in reserve for the last music set. This time, Mr Hoffman introduces himself as Mr Reagan. I’m used to him as Hoffman and so he will stay Mr Hoffman for this article.

Nancy seems to be more muted as well, which actually works, and this instantaneously feels a better video for us than the last one.

Again, they are filming at the Harper Hospital, the president is Donald Trump who was president from 2017 to 2021. The video was posted in 2019 which could therefore have been shortly after it was filmed.

General Survey

This is a whole lot different. Firstly the setting – domestic not hospital, secondly length – the video is just two minutes long. No notes, no ASMR related comments. There is relatively little background noise but it starts a bit loud.

However, it is amazing how much influence that air conditioning noise has. It is easy to disregard how loud it is until it isn’t there and then I really want it to be absent all the time.

Although short, this video is the best in terms of restful of the three in this post. In the end it might be the only one to survive the regular weeding process. We shall see.

The Nursing Assessment playlist on the Procrastination Pen is here:

The overall playlist of videos covered so far on the Procrastination Pen is here:

The videos weeded out because over time they are just not as good as the others is in this archive list:

I keep this in case subscribers to the Procrastination Pen have personal favourites that they want to hear.

The playlist of videos requiring age verification is here:

I can’t be bothered to stop my listening to log on, this interrupts the experience. You may not mind this in which case this list is for you.

I hope that you find the playlists restful and I hope you get plenty of sleep.

If you liked this blog article, why not follow this blog.

Until next time.

Photo by Jennifer Uppendahl on Unsplash

Sleeping With ASMR

If you’ve woken from another Nytol-fuelled sleep and feel like a bear was sitting on your head all night, it might be that you will be better off trying to relax into sleep by yourself without the aid of chemicals.

For many of us this is far easier said than done. I have found that falling asleep with other people’s noises all around – cars on the road, breathing of my partner, mice in the loft overhead, or bird squabbles in the hedges nearby are sufficiently distracting to put off sleep for quite some hours.

In this atmosphere the masking of those noises with a level of background noise seems to be moderately effective. The Procrastination Pen playlist may be effective for you in that it provides a number of videos taken from YouTube selected for their calm talking, lack of extraneous noises, and potential ASMR effects (in those people lucky enough to get ASMR effects, in any case).

Today’s video comes from a perennially useful source for us which is the student medical exam video. This blog would probably run out of steam quite quickly if this kind of video did not exist. Sadly, the quality of such videos is often, at best, variable, such that many videos get evaluated and few are chosen.

Today’s video is this one:

Head to Toe Assessment

The medical professional is wearing a very large identity badge indicating that she is Julianna and that she is an undergraduate student.

There are no notes with this video. However, comments are permitted and, as expected, ASMR fans have been here long before me.

It is just over thirty-five- and three-quarter minutes, so moderately substantial in terms of videos that we have recently seen on this blog.

Julianna announces that she is Julianna Cook, a Family Nurse Practitioner. I think the institution mentioned is “Auburn University” (it’s spoken rather quickly).

Auburn has a college of nursing and so it sounds like it might be a good fit for a video of this type.

Its channel reveals that it has a brand very similar to the icon on the badge that Julianna is wearing, so it seems very probable this is where Julianna is presenting from.

Julianna appears to have left Auburn in 2020 the video was posted in 2019.

The class is 7116 Advanced Nursing Assessment.

The patient seems to be in tip-top shape (better numbers than I am able to deliver for example). The normal question and answer session must have occurred prior to this video so there is no clue as to who the patient is.

The camera angle is a little strange in this one. Probably so that it could be set out of the way of the participants. But the net result is that they are some distance from it. This is not important if you are simply listening, but sadly, it has some effect on the audio as well which is itself a bit flat and distant. Not as notably, as in some other videos that have featured in this blog.

There are some moments where progress is slowed by the medical professional failing to remember. However, overall, the assessment seems moderately efficient (if thirty-odd minutes can be thought of as efficient).

We are here for the sound which is not excessively loud, no loud bangs of moving equipment for example. There is of course the ever-present air conditioning noise which seems to be a feature of these videos.

There is a fair amount of humour in the video which is perhaps less restful than might otherwise be the case (laughter can be a bit loud). I don’t think this precludes it from membership of the Procrastination Pen playlist but it might cause it to be a victim of future weeding.

There are moments of actual gentleness in this but only a video editor would be able to make this a truly superior video, and of course, the video isn’t mine to do that to.

The channel is Julianna Cook. There are four videos, including the one above, and eight hundred and fifty-seven subscribers as at the date I am looking at it. There is no video posted more recently than three years ago.

Julianna’s Greatest Show

This is just less than five and a quarter minutes, and has some notes. It states it is “NURS 7246 Pharmacology Project”. 7246 appears to be another course at Auburn.

Unlike the previous video no ASMR fans have commented on this one.

This starts loud, and I think is designed to be a presentation. There is loud music in it, I think it is supposed to be entertaining but not restful. It does make interesting viewing. I think the chances of falling asleep to it are out there with winning the lottery.

Not a Procrastination Pen playlist candidate but I imagine a good fun video if this is your area of interest.

7226 NP Roles Video

This is a presentation, it is quite loud, it isn’t really restful. There are no notes. There are no comments from ASMR fans, which given the content is perhaps not surprising. The most interesting elements are interviews with people apparently from the public. Herman Cook for example has quite a good voice. However, the background noise is a tad off-putting. It is louder even than we are usually used to.

James Warren’s interview has so much extraneous noise associated with it that I’m surprised it is included. I’m guessing filters are not a thing.

Virginia Cook has a great voice but she is swamped by background noise.

Stephanie has a section with minimal extraneous noise but her voice is quite a lot louder and so not helpful from our perspective.

Linda Condon has a good voice but I think they videoed her footage beside the M25, boy it is loud.

All in all, this video isn’t going to work for us and it will not go into the Procrastination Pen playlist.

The last (and newest) video is this one:

Croup Presentation

This is just over five minutes and it starts loud. It continues loud. It is a presentation after all.

This one is just not for us.

Just the one video this time then.

More time for you to get on with your work. More next time.

The overall playlist of videos covered so far on the Procrastination Pen is here:

The videos weeded out because over time they are just not as good as the others is in this archive list:

I keep this in case subscribers to the Procrastination Pen have personal favourites that they want to hear.

The playlist of videos requiring age verification is here:

I can’t be bothered to stop my listening to log on, this interrupts the experience. You may not mind this in which case this list is for you.

I hope that you find the playlists restful and I hope you get plenty of sleep.

If you liked this blog article why not follow this blog.

Until next time.

Photo by Milada Vigerova on Unsplash

Sleeping With ASMR

Exploring YouTube, as I do now several times a week, leads to many random dead ends. Let’s face it, when faced with a screen full of prospective videos, I am looking at a thumbnail of each video and making a guess as to what the video will sound like for any ASMR fans out there that are reading this blog. Which of the many videos might be relaxing for a person, like myself, seeking more sleep than they currently achieve.

I am not that successful. For every video you have seen, there are many dozens with off-putting noises, strange sequences or that my suspicious senses kick off – thinking that, in fact, they were generated by a professional ASMR artist.

Of those I have evaluated, a subset get into the Procrastination Pen playlist. Sadly after a period of listening, quite a few of those subsequently get archived because they just don’t turn out to be that appealing in the long run.

It is therefore no surprise that once a good video is located by ASMR fans on YouTube a loyal following develops. In some cases, once videos are taken down, ASMR fans recover the video and repost it on their own channel.

(Much as I applaud this from the viewpoint of video availability, it is fraught with risk – out there are some hungry copyright solicitors and they, I am certain, would love to spot infringements of copyright and gain any fees due as a consequence).

Today’s video does not permit comments. From the perspective of defraying the Internet trolls this is jolly good news. However, it does not assist me in determining if ASMR afficionados have found this one already. In most cases, I assume they have. ASMR fans are substantially faster than I am at discovering new content.

The video is this one:

Neuro exam 2

It is just shy of ten minutes, so not terrible in length in terms of a medical examination video. There are no notes, so I suspect an amateur, rather than a professionally, produced video. It starts a bit loud, and straight away we get the impression this is another of those videos produced on a course required as part of a student’s assessment.

That said, background noise is negligible, the volume is not terrible (other than the occasional clang of equipment which is normal in terms of such videos.

Sadly, it is in portrait mode. I assume because it is filmed on a mobile phone but this will not be a problem because you’ll be listening rather than watching.

My viewing was constantly interposed by adverts at an inappropriate level of volume (which seems to be YouTube’s latest thing). I have no hatred of the adverts as such, but if I’m watching a video for ASMR content, an advert some levels of volume louder than the video seems a very bad idea.

But I digress. The pace of the video is slow and the level of speaking is (mostly) quiet. The scene is in a medical room but there are no clues as to where. At intervals there are other people talking in the background which is quite common in this type of video as well.

As we have seen before participants find it hard to take the process seriously and this is also the case here with laughter on occasion (on other occasions obvious boredom).

Someone interrupts the video at one stage (also a hazard in these videos) by knocking on the door. The BBC doesn’t seem to be challenged in this way…

The channel is Anna Cason.

I’ll assume that Anna was the medical professional and given it was posted earlier this year, may well still be on the course that it is a requirement for.

The channel has fourteen videos and no playlists. That is a fair few for one blog item and it looks like the current participant is the favourite “patient” as she appears in the majority of them. So I can’t go for my much used method of only reviewing videos with the same medical professional or same “patient”.

So I’ll go through all of the videos in the channel (as at today’s date anyway). If you haven’t the time for such a lengthy post, scroll to the end and the playlist will be waiting there for you. Hop over to YouTube – click the shuffle function – lie back and drift off to sleep (well in theory at least). Please let me have any feedback (such as favourite videos you’d like including).

The next video is this one:

Peripheral vascular exam 2

I think the patient introduces herself as “Emma Hilt” but it could probably be anything as it passes in a real rush. April 16^th 2002 is her DoB, not that it is relevant in checking if this is a genuine medical video.

This video is short at just under three and a half minutes. Again, there is a comforting lack of background noise. No notes, Emma (I’ll assume that is her name) yawns frequently throughout so it obviously isn’t the most compelling thing she has on that day.

There are more equipment noises – I guess quiet equipment just isn’t a priority. Either that or medical professionals are more interested in moving equipment around quickly rather than doing so quietly, which seems a sensible choice.

The next video is this one:

Bedside assessment

This is just over six and a half minutes

I think that Emma tells us that she is at nursing school (although I have no idea which one). She seems either very bored or she’s getting even less sleep than I habitually do. There are conversation noises from adjacent rooms (although it isn’t excessively loud).

There are more equipment noises but mostly a very measured examination.

Nose mouth throat exam

These videos are remarkably consistent given they are produced as part of a student assessment. This, has more laughter and, to me, a more obvious set of air conditioning noises. But at least it lacks the conversation from adjacent rooms. Emma still seems utterly bored. Perhaps she has in mind her own set of videos, yet to be filmed, for the same course.

Hearing exam

The same two participants in what is quite a short video at just over three and a half minutes. No notes and no comments. Background noise, now seems to be a companion – which is something that we are used to of course.

Eye exam

This is almost identical with the previous ones apart from noises relating to what I assume are messages arriving on a mobile phone (perhaps the one being used to do the filming). It is just over four and a half minutes in length. There are air conditioning noises, general amusement in places and utter boredom for the “patient”. It is feasible that these were all filmed at one time and that the process was just a tad wearing.

At one stage Anna forgets her medical terminology and one gets the feeling it’s all getting a bit tiresome for them.

Skin, hair, nails exam

Anna forgets which video she is supposed to be filming. Emma announces she has “KP” which I had to look up.

KP: Keratosis Pilaris painless bumps on the skins – a long term condition.

Anna again forgets where she is going and then gets very loud, perhaps to block out the conversation from an adjacent room. There is a thudding sound at one stage almost as if someone were tapping the phone that is doing the filming.

Abdominal exam

The same participants this video is just under four and three quarter minutes. Background conversation noises are there from the outset and air conditioning is really getting into its stride. Anna sounds fed up with the process already.

Emma states that she has IBS.

IBS Irritable Bowel Syndrome a lifelong condition affecting the gut which can be controlled but not cured.

Anna is again amused at intervals.

The phone is relocated part way through with associated clanging noises. Presumably equipment was kicked at the same time. Anna forgets what she is supposed to say but the approach to the examination is quiet.

It’s quite unusual to see one of these videos in which the person participating seems quite stuck. However, I don’t think this impacts the ASMR-i-ness as such.

There seems to be equipment missing (perhaps a hammer) which is reminiscent of the student who used canteen equipment to film one of these videos. Anna just uses her finger.

Peripheral vascular exam

The same participants feature again, the video is five minutes ten seconds long. If all of these videos were filmed in one session, I assume it took the two of them a very long time. Anna has problems getting through the door initially so there is a loud bang at the start. There is background conversation from an adjacent room and at stages it continues quite loudly. Air conditioning has now fully established itself and is working on becoming a session musician.

Anna forgets what she intends to say (but at least we are fully aware that she is not following notes off screen).

More message noises are heard from the phone being used to film this. There are more equipment noises and Anna is again amused by the parts that are going wrong (mainly where she forgets terminology).

Cardiac assessment

We’re in the swing of this now and all the same symptoms are in this one that were in all the previous ones. The level of background noise merely differs.

Just over five and a quarter minutes so not long. It follows the exact same theme as those we have seen previously. The start is quite stumbly as if Anna is finding her way through it. It remains quiet though apart from overheard nearby conversations and the low roar of air conditioning, which is constant.

I think Anna’s voice is actually improving as we go on and if some of those niggling additional noises were dispatched this could have been a really great video. In any case I’m intending to trial these in the Procrastination Pen playlist with the understanding that some or all may ultimately get dispatched to the archive.

Lungs and thorax assessment

This is approaching six minutes which feels long in comparison to some of the others but for the videos we commonly see is still a short video.

We’re used to the intro now as it runs through exactly the same set of sentences each time. The examination itself though differs (fortunately for us).

Anna appears to be struggling to remember some specific terminology (unclear what). There are noises of doors opening in adjacent rooms so it is feasible that other students are filming vastly similar videos for their courses in the rooms next door to this one.

Overall, though, a good video for the Procrastination Pen playlist I think.

Head, Face, Neck Assessment

Here, Emma is wearing some kind of identity badge which one would hope would give us the institution involved. Sadly, it is too tiny for me to read so it remains a mystery. Just under four and a half minutes, so a short one in terms of this set and the last one in which Anna and Emma appear together.

It seems to start a bit louder than previously and the air conditioning is ever present (or I’m getting tired by now).

However, to have produced this number of videos in such a short period is quite a piece of work.

Definition:

Crepitus – noise when moving a joint

Does anyone not have this?

Neurological exam at home assessment

Anna now has a new “patient”. Michael Atkis (I think) DoB. 02-12-03 (December in case there are any US readers). This, as expected, changes the sound profile markedly as Michael has a much deeper voice than Emma.

However, he does not get to talk a great deal.

The background air conditioning now sounds like it is aiming for some kind of award and the extraneous background talking noises are now quite pronounced.

Michael tells us that we are at “college of nursing” I think – it’s hard to discern. But I cannot make out where that would be.

This is over seven minutes in length. Again, Anna is a bit tentative, apparently as she forgets some terminology.

Having seen this examination done professionally by Vicki Scott we have been a bit spoiled; I think. This one is a bit more filled with humour – especially as Anna forgets the content she needs to perform.

Musculoskeletal home assessment video

the last one in this set and this has been a rather long post for which I apologise. Anna returns with Michael. Almost identical to the previous one in terms of sound – maybe more noise from the next-door room than previously.

Just under seven minutes so only slightly different in length to the previous one. Anna laughs quite a bit in this one too.

Very loud equipment noises in this, I jumped at one stage because I was listening rather than watching the screen.

The Anna Cason playlist on the Procrastination Pen is here:

The overall playlist of videos covered so far on the Procrastination Pen is here:

The videos weeded out because over time they are just not as good as the others is in this archive list:

I keep this in case subscribers to the Procrastination Pen have personal favourites that they want to hear.

The playlist of videos requiring age verification is here:

I can’t be bothered to stop my listening to log on, this interrupts the experience. You may not mind this in which case this list is for you.

I hope that you find the playlists restful and I hope you get plenty of sleep.

If you liked this blog article, why not follow this blog.

Until next time.

Photo by Christian Krebel on Unsplash

The Art of Procrastination

With a blog entitled “The Procrastination Pen” I suppose it is reasonable to expect that at some stage there would be something on procrastination.

To be honest the naming was something that came to light after several days of brain stretching. It was only fixed after I discovered that all my other great name ideas were already taken.

(This is fairly familiar, see my discoveries about the use of the term “Wreck of the Week”).

It was all going swimmingly until Amazon launched a product which is actually called a “Procrastination Pen”. This consigns my little blog to low down in the Google search results.

Anyway enough of this – suffice to say that the title “Procrastination Pen” was in the search for a unique blog title rather than some manifesto of intent.

However it is not a title without aptness. Throughout my life I have struggled with procrastination. At times I would rather clean the toilet than embark on the task that I regard as the most important. During revision for the various exams I have undertaken in my life I have dusted, hoovered and tended the garden to avoid picking up a single book.

And so it was with great embrace that I greeted the book that is the subject of this post.

If like me you have symptoms of procrastination in your life I recommend that you buy this before any other book on the subject.

Bookfinder

My copy is now very precious to me.

John turns out to have been a lifelong procrastinator of the advanced order. This puts him in a uniquely sympathetic position to other sufferers. He is the most positive person I have encountered when it comes to the treatment of procrastination.

If you want a flavour for the author’s style then visit his website here.

He raises the idea of akrasia (apparently originally from Aristotle). This describes why people will do anything other than the thing they are supposed to be doing.

He proposes that procrastinators far from being inefficient wastrels actually get a great deal of work done. However they get that work done whilst avoiding some other task.

Perversely they may be seen to be very hard-working and efficient as a result.

The major outcome of which is that being a procrastinator is quite positive and nothing whatsoever to be ashamed of.

Although he is perhaps the first to propose the term “structured procrastination” to cover this behaviour the first to write about it apparently was Robert Benchley in the Chicago Tribune in 1930. The article “How to Get Things Done” is now the subject of a blog posting.

Structured Procrastination

The benefits of structured procrastination (as opposed I suppose to doing absolutely nothing) is that it is feasible to get procrastination to work in your favour. A great deal of work can be accomplished whilst avoiding the task you really do not want to engage with.

The issue is that mentally (or physically if we can bring ourselves to be that organised) we have a list of tasks which we must accomplish.

Habitually a procrastinator will have the most important task glaring him or her in the face. He or she is quite prepared to exercise his or her self in the performance of tasks lower down that list to avoid that most important task.

The wrong thing to do when you have this mindset is to address the task directly. Worse still is to attempt to minimise the distracting tasks to focus fully on the main one. If you succeed then the only way to avoid the main task is to do something which is not constructive – watch the television, cut your toenails, pick your nose and so on.

One approach is to try to find another yet more important task and to mentally (or physically if it helps) add this task to the top of the list. Now you will be spending all of your efforts to avoid that task. Your previous most important task is now second on the list and is likely to receive attention to avoid the new most important task.

Alternatively, if no likely task presents itself, promote one of the less important tasks to be the most important one.

This means you have to fool yourself that this task is more important. As John points out we fool ourselves all the time anyway in the pursuit of procrastination so we’re already experts at this.

Perfectionist Moi?

Procrastinators are fantasists, unable to complete the task perfectly but nonetheless imagining that they are able to do so.

Finding themselves unable to complete a task to this imagined standard of perfection means the task does not get done.

That is unless the task has a deadline, in which case as the deadline passes guilt kicks in. The procrastinator attains a mad scramble to complete the task. In the process he or she gives his or herself permission to do a less than perfect job.

John states that we would be better using a task triage in this situation. Decide which tasks you can forget altogether, which you can forget until later, and which to start work on.

In the process decide whether a half-arsed job is sufficient or if a perfect job really is needed.

Lists

Surely the bane of any procrastinator and the subject of way too much time-management reading I’ve performed over the years.

Procrastinators keep lists – either mentally or, for the more disciplined, physically.

The lists are pretty pointless. The only reason they are created is to get the buzz from crossing things off the list. Hence the list grows with items that did not need to be on the list simply for the feedback of all those ticks.

Where lists do come into their own is when the procrastinator is faced with a task that he or she cannot face. Something so daunting that nominating some other task as the most important will surely fail.

Here the task needs salami slicing. Each component of the task listed out so that the procrastinator can approach it piecemeal.

The safest time to make such a list is just before sleep – that way you’re less inclined to be distracted.

Music

Motivational music is well worth having.

Personally I think that you can’t go far wrong with this:

You will have your own preferences.

Distractions

These are bread and butter for the procrastinator, email and web surfing for example. Avoiding these is not realistic. Set something that will interrupt you. At least you will stop emailing/surfing the web (or alternative distraction of choice) and do some work before the sun sets.

Desktop

A lot of procrastinators work by spreading papers across the desk. Do not resist this if it is you.

Putting papers into filing cabinets is an almost certain way of never dealing with those papers again. If you are not bound by a clear desk policy feel free to leave the papers exactly where they are when you stop working. That way you can instantly pick up where you left off.

Non-Procrastinators

Procrastinators drive such people mad. Non-Procrastinators are useful to have around. They will insist that you work in a non-procrastinating way. This can be very motivational (if hard on any relationship that you have with them).

Obsessively productive people may choose to do the tasks for you. Make sure that you contribute equally if so.

Positives

A surprisingly large number of tasks don’t need doing at all. By not working on them you gain time that non-procrastinators lose.

Some tasks find better qualified people to work on them and they also disappear from your mental (or physical) to do list.

There are many ways to spend time and many opinions about the best way to spend time. Spending time daydreaming may in the long run be more productive than writing that essay.

Procrastinators may ultimately find better ways to enjoy life.

Unpleasant News

Whilst John is positive throughout about the impact of procrastinators he does reference some material which is likely to bite a bit harder.

Procrastination: Ten Things to Know. (Read this if you’re a procrastinator in a really upbeat mood or a non-procrastinator who needs validation).

For those determined to beat their procrastination into submission John recommends this book:

Bookfinder

However as John concludes, procrastination is not the problem. You will only attempt drastic action against procrastination if you are unhappy.

It would be far better to work on the unhappiness rather than the procrastination.

If you liked this article why not follow this blog

Follow The Procrastination Pen on WordPress.com

On The Theme of Hell

I have enjoyed the idea of stories about hell ever since one of my writing instructors asked me to consider the neighbours from hell as if they were literally from hell.

Over time I generated several stories on this theme.

Following on from the Book Planning article recently: https://magic-phil.co.uk/2018/02/11/book-planning-pt-2/. In this I consider James who has escaped Hell (but possibly not for very long).

In this one a tormentor from the flame regions tries to find himself a new employee.

The Apprentice

“Ah Lawrence, dear, dear Lawrence, I see that you have put in a request for retirement, you know how I get upset about such things”

“But Your Eminence I have served you faithfully for longer than any of your previous servants, surely I have earned it?”

“Oh dear, this concept of having earned something Lawrence, how very demanding of you. I’m afraid that I may have to provide myself with a little entertainment at your expense.”

“Ah, that is, I apologise for not having explained myself properly Your Eminence. What I meant to say was that I have found an excellent replacement servant.”

“Now you have given this some thought Lawrence haven’t you? It isn’t just the first name that happened to turn up in ‘The Book of the Damned’ is it?”

“Err, well, no Your Eminence.”

“Oh Lawrence don’t lie to me, I’m very good at detecting it you know.”

“Well, I was flicking through ‘The Book’ this afternoon and discovered a possible candidate who lives just next door.”

“One hundred percent for convenience Lawrence but is he as talented as you are? I’m not sure that I need another apprentice.”

“But think of the advantages Your Eminence, the bending of a new recruit to your will, the fresh viewpoint, the different ideas.”

“Very well Lawrence you’ve made your point, let’s have a look at him shall we. Oh and Lawrence.”

“Yes Your Eminence.”

“Here’s a set of painful mouth ulcers to repay your feeble deception attempts. I think I’d rather like to watch you eating some nice hot chips – and don’t stint on the vinegar.”

* * *
“David, DAVID, get up now and be swift about it there’s a good man.”

The voice sounded like it came from inside my head. I knew that I was still asleep but without thinking I was up, out of bed and padding down the stairs, still dressed in my pyjamas. I seemed compelled to head towards the source of that voice. Down the street; the house adjacent to mine; through the gate and the front door, which were hanging, open as if in readiness for me.

* * *
“Lawrence? Could you just sort out the business with the wife now? That would be lovely. Ah David how nice for you to finally meet me.”

I had a feeling that there was something very wrong with that sentence. There was also something wrong with being fast asleep but with your eyes wide open.

“Lawrence, come and look at him would you?”

“Yes Your Eminence”

“This would be David. I see from his entry in The Book of the Damned that he would be forty six. So far he is a man largely without drive or ambition, are you sure that he’s the right sort to replace you? It’ll be the hot bath for you if you’re wrong.”

“No, no, I’m sure” Lawrence sounded anxious to please.

“As long as you’re not putting your wishes above mine, such as sneakily nominating a replacement servant so that you can take it easy you know that would just make me annoyed.”

Lawrence sighed “With respect your holiness; everything makes you annoyed.”

“I’m sorry Lawrence but that’s it; off to the hot bath and don’t come back till you’ve mended your ways.”

“No, no, please; I didn’t mean it.” Lawrence’s voice was edged with fear.

“Oh we’re going to try overacting are we? Excellent Lawrence; I do love a spot of melodrama; do go on.”

“I was going to beg for my life Eminence.”

“Beg for it Lawrence? Beg for it? Have you learned nothing in the three hundred odd years you have served me?”

“Eminence?”

“That life to which you would cling so tenaciously is my invention. It is a shadow of consciousness sufficient to enable you to appreciate the suffering which I can provide, nothing more. Oh, and to provide me with a fine entertainment I might add. Now off to the baths there’s a good man.”

“But, but…” Lawrence had begun to babble.

“Oh dear Lawrence; a desperately slow learner aren’t we? (I wonder why I’ve never encountered that before.) Should I take that life away from you then? You could call it a last favour as a long-time companion.”

“No, thank you Eminence; I’ve grown rather attached to it.”

“Well; I’m sure that you know best. Oh and Lawrence.”

“Yes Your Eminence.” Lawrence responded with a hopeful note to his voice.

“Wake him up before you go; there’s a good man.”

“Eminence” Lawrence’s voice fell to a hopeless whisper.

* * *
I had been listening to the whole conversation from the depths of a dream. I was insulated from it and distant, but now as Lawrence touched me an incredible pain brought me instantly awake and to my knees in one moment. As I gasped Lawrence took one last reproachful look at me and then departed.

“Ah, David, delighted, delighted, now I am really at a loss I really am. My old slave seems to think that you will be an adequate replacement for him but you seem really lack-lustre to me, it is really bemusing.”

I was still dazed by the pain and unsure what I was supposed to say next.

“Perhaps you might explain what qualities you possess that would make you interesting. You see I would ask Lawrence but it would be rather difficult right now, he may not have time to explain; in between the screaming that is.”

I continued to stare at him mute with disbelief; it seemed like mere seconds before I had been resting in a comfortable bed.

* * *
“I’ll forgive you the silence this far David because you are new; but I warn you don’t stretch my patience any further. What is it about you that makes you so useful? Hmm?”

I remembered the fear in Lawrence’s voice when he had been told to go for a ‘hot bath’. “I’m sorry, I really don’t understand; this is really a strange kind of dream” I blurted out without thinking.

“Oh this is so annoying; fortunately I had prepared a demonstration, I always find them so useful in illustrating the realities as it were.”

“A demonstration?” I could feel my voice quaver a little; what did he mean by a demonstration?

“Yes David it’s time we had our relationship on the proper footing which it will be I have no doubt after you have returned home.”

* * *
Before the sound of “home” had properly died, I found myself back in my bedroom, still kneeling. Looking into the staring eyes of my wife; fixed now in death, around her throat a set of bruises, causing it to be swelled and purple.

I stared in disbelief, Deirdre, my companion now for twenty years. It took me some time to understand that this was real. As I knelt there in shock, the realisation dawned – he had said that there would be a “demonstration.” He had done this – he had murdered my wife.

I looked around for a weapon and saw an ugly brass table lamp – something Deirdre’s mother had given us and I had been too polite to throw out. I grabbed it, pulling the cable from the wall socket and set off down the stairs.

* * *
“Back so soon David? How admirable, how quickly you are facing up to the realities. So much faster than Lawrence did; there really is hope for you.”

“She’s dead, she’s b b b bloody dead and you killed her” I heard myself yell.

“Well of course I did at least indirectly. Of course it was your actual hands that committed the evil deed so to speak but yes I was the guiding intelligence behind it.”

I looked down and saw that my hands were red and trembling as if from some great exertion. The muscles were aching badly –how could this could be, had I killed her?

“Of course it was me that gave her that wretched life in the first place. I certainly think I have the right to take it away. If I get a bit of enjoyment watching her struggle and finally despair as the last gasp chokes from her then I think that is only my due don’t you”

“You bastard, you evil, crazy, mean-minded, bastard” I was desperate now.

“David; I don’t think that’s wise. Whilst the words are inevitably accurate it’s traditional to keep up a modicum of front about these things. Put down the table-lamp. You can’t do anything with it you know.”

At that instant, my arm started to spasm and I rapidly dropped the brass lamp “Aaah, ah, ah, shit, damn, it electrocuted me. How could it do that? It wasn’t even plugged in.”

“Because I commanded it to of course; when I say ‘Lord’ I mean ‘Lord of Darkness’ and all that charming Gothic nonsense.

“You mean that you’re The…Devil?” I asked gaping in disbelief.

“Well if you must use such a demeaning term, I prefer to think of myself as ‘The Prince of Evil’ or something similar but each to his own.”

“You’re insane; you know that, you can’t possibly be The Devil. I mean The Devil doesn’t exist.”

“You’ll have plenty of opportunity to verify my existence over the millennia I will force you to serve me. This really is most tiresome; I feel that I’ve given you quite enough time to knuckle down. Tell me why you are useful to me; or shall we go for a tour? I could show you some of the less well-publicised elements of my realm, hmm?

I was distracted from the menace of his last sentence. My mind filled with the image of Deirdre lying dead “I loved her; I really loved her; what will I do now?”

“Well of course you think that you loved her. That was all part of the plan to increase your wretchedness when she finally gave up the ghost. It really is most gratifying that it has worked out so well. Now if you don’t mind your qualifications?”

“M-my qualifications? I-I don’t know about qualifications; I’m just a civil servant.” I could feel my sanity wrestling away from me.

“Oh I think it unlikely to be anything about your job. I’m not interested that you have served 26 years with the Inland Revenue. Charming though that cliché would be.”

“I c-can’t understand what you mean” my mind felt like it was drowning.

“Let me put it simply for you shall I? You have mere moments to explain to me in what new and diverting ways you can increase the misery of the world or you can join my previous employee in a rather warm bath.”

“I? Increase the misery of the world?” I knew now that it was insanity; I must be delusional.

“Well I’m sure that you do David; merely by breathing. You really are quite dull you know; but that is not quite on the scale that I imagined. I do so love the petty annoyances; they do make the time pass so delightfully swiftly.”

“Petty annoyances?” I was repeating everything he said; by now reduced to parrotry.

“I take it all back David; you really are so incredibly slow I am amazed that anything makes it through that dense artefact you call a skull. An example I think, just to make things easier. Last week I believe was your dear departed wife’s birthday?”

“Deirdre; oh my God; Deirdre” tears fell so thickly now my eyes felt like open sores.

“Yes, as you so eloquently put it, Deirdre. You booked a table at eight and promised to be home on time. Unfortunately, your boss gave you a grilling about use of the photocopier in work time. This delay caused you to miss the bus and the next bus of course didn’t turn up. You decided to walk but a sudden downpour turned that into more of a frantic run didn’t it?”

“Yes, how …?”

“So that by the time you arrived home soaking wet; stressed, tired and an hour late Deidre was slightly less than pleased to see you. Of course you did try the restaurant but due to some mishap they had failed to take your reservation. Deirdre’s birthday turned out to be a Chinese takeaway and she didn’t talk to you for three days! It’s all so delightful when it works so well; rather like poetry really.”

“You did all that?” I felt as defeated as the look in Lawrence’s eyes when he departed for the ‘warm bath’.

“Oh not personally of course; I did have Lawrence; He was really very good you know. But then I am hopeful that you can do better.”

“Better?” What did he imagine I could do?

“Well keep the gears oiled, the wheels rolling; continue to make life miserable for people.”

“But why?”

“Oh purely for my entertainment of course; I’m stuck in this realm for all eternity so I definitely do not wish to see anyone enjoying their time here.”

“But surely when the time comes.”

“You die? Oh purely an artefact David I can assure you. You see you were never living in the first place. Life is merely that essence that I have caused all the residents of my kingdom to be addicted to; to treasure; to give everything for. But in fact it is completely worthless.”

“Worthless?”

“Oh yes, you see you can’t cease to exist, you have been imprisoned here for all eternity with me; every miserable one of you. The ‘Day of Judgement’ – over hyped as it has been, has, actually occurred. This place you call ‘home’, ‘Earth’ and in fact this entire Universe is the home of darkness and of suffering for all eternity.”

“But then where do you go…?”

“After you die? Well you see it’s a bit of a sleight of hand. I whip you out of one rotting mound of flesh and cause you to be born memory erased somewhere else equally miserable; equally without hope.”

“I don’t see the point…”

“Of course if I can make you a little uglier; maybe give your mother postnatal depression so that she can’t stand you. Perhaps I’ll settle for something more minor like a severe nappy rash or that you develop debilitating asthma at a young age. It’s all rather gratifying once you know how it works.”

“So this is purgatory?” (I remembered something about this from a programme on television; unfortunately, I hadn’t given it much attention.)

“Well not, as such, no; you see as I understand it the definition of purgatory is that eventually you may escape it. You, I’m afraid have no hope of escape, ever. So now” (his voice took on a truly sinister edge) “why are you of value to me David?”

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