Sleeping with ASMR

The next item in the ASMR sleep series is a little more complicated. Now that I have been following ASMR-related videos for a while it has become obvious that some ASMR publishing people are trying to game the system.

From the number of follows, comments, views, and so-on I am not the only person who is searching for ASMR content. There appears to be a subset of people who are interested in videos where the person produces ASMR effects by mistake. Examples include speeches made where the person has a gentle voice; a lecture where the lecturer’s tone happens to be the correct one to set off ASMR in some of the listeners; interviews where the participants have very calm voices.

Some professional ASMR artists, (and indeed amateur ASMR artists) are now making videos deliberately but claiming they were produced entirely coincidentally. There is obviously a money angle – the more adherents you have – the more advertising-related revenue you can captivate. So the temptation is there, frankly, to cheat.

Some titles will say something like “by a genuine person” (as if there were non-genuine people wandering around). Sometimes there are “medical examination” videos, with a couple of suspiciously attractive young people in the video who don’t appear to know a great deal about medicine.

In this climate I am a little unsure about this series. They are great videos for ASMR which purport to be part of a medical education series.

Patient Examination Series- Dr Hollie Berry

Given I am suspicious I took a look on DuckDuckGo (other search engines exist) and it turns out there is no Dr Hollie Berry other than as part of this video series (or other people discussing this video series). No LinkedIn account, no medical papers, no references or citations – and no college sites linking to the videos.

So far Aidan Blunt appears to be the only source and he (assuming it is a he) is obviously aware that Dr Berry has this affect in some listeners as he has produced some videos edited in order to enhance the ASMR effect.

Here:

Cranial Nerves Examination ASMR Loop

I have a dislike of ASMR loop videos. There will be (say) a medical exam which is about ten minutes and to make it an hour it will play (or parts of it will play) over and again. It might be that I am just dosing when a part I’ve heard before comes winging back. This is one of those. So I will not be adding it to the playlist.

And here:

Cardiac Examination ASMR Edit

This one edited in order to enhance its ASMR effect. Again I won’t add this one to the playlist, however some people reading may find this kind of thing right up their street perhaps.

And here:

Abdominal Examination ASMR Edit

Also edited for its ASMR effect and therefore, as before, not included in the playlist.

And here:

Upper Limb Neuro Examination ASMR Edit

As before.

However Aidan also produces some more dedicated medical videos so for the purposes of this blog item I am prepared to give him the benefit of the doubt.

I found this series originally through a posting on Reddit

Which leads to this video:

Cranial Nerve Examination

Which leads me to suspect that the filming was done at Manchester Medical School and the Lancashire Teaching Hospitals NHS Foundation Trust. However I am currently not able to find any similar video content other than that put out by Aidan.

This video has the smell of the genuine article and is a sensible seven and a half minutes in length which seems to fit with a reasonable length medical examination video found elsewhere.

Aidan Blunt – this is the channel where the Hollie Berry videos are all found. There are thirty four videos here and so too many to feature in any one blog item.

However I started with a Hollie Berry video and so I will concentrate on the videos from this channel that feature Hollie Berry.

Apart from the compilation, ASMR edit and ASMR loop videos (all of which I know to be doctored and therefore will discount) there are these:

Abdominal Examination

This is a sensible length at five minutes thirteen seconds.

Cardiovascular Examination

This one is five minutes six seconds.

I think Hollie may have my favourite ASMR voice of the videos I have covered so far.

Diabetic Foot Examination

Three minutes twenty five seconds in length.

A repeating theme in these is that the “patient” appears either petrified or completely distracted. I’m not sure what they could have said to them to get them in this state. Hollie seems the ideal medical person – professional and relaxing. But for the people in these videos it does not appear to be working.

Lymph Gland Examination

Three minutes fourteen seconds in length. And given the comments I’d say a number of people find Hollie’s voice to be relaxing.

Respiratory Examination

Five minutes thirty four seconds in length. The more I listen the more I think this set of videos is a great find ASMR-wise.

Upper Limb Neuro

This last set seem all to have been posted eleven years ago. I think we can assume that Hollie Berry does (or did) exist and probably made a set of videos for the Manchester Medical Schools a decade or so ago. They’ve moved on and taken down her videos subsequently but Aidan has preserved them for some reason.

Why Hollie should disappear altogether at that point is anybody’s guess but a set of six short videos is all we have of the greatest ASMR voice I have so far discovered. A great shame.

The playlist is here:

The complete playlist of videos covered so far is here:

Photo by freestocks on Unsplash

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Sleeping With ASMR

One of the consequences of entering the fifth decade of being alive (which no one seemed to warn me about when I was somewhat younger) is that it is almost impossible to get to sleep. And having got there, to stay in that state for any period of time.

I have tried various hacks for this over the last years, to varying degrees of success, and by chance I happened upon the fact that ASMR works for me.

The little reading I’ve managed to do seems to indicate that only some people are affected.

It also appears that different people have preferences for different sounds.

For me, the most potent trigger is a person speaking quietly and calmly.

Sadly though the effect soon wears off, and over time the same person – with the same speech – stops working.

This means that I am more-or-less constantly looking for new material, which may be of some merit for this blog and for people who react in a similar way.

For some time I have avoided revealing that I find ASMR helpful in that a number of commentators respond to it as if it is akin to some kind of sexual perversion.

However for me it feels more of the kind of attention I would see on a David Attenborough programme in which one monkey is grooming another and both monkeys are more relaxed as a result.

As science progresses it appears that there is more acceptance that relaxing to ASMR is not necessarily a sexual experience.

Hence it is moderately safe to give some recommendations around ASMR that I have found work for me.

I am also getting some playlists together on YouTube for those who do not have the time to look around for ASMR videos.

(Most of the ASMR material I find on YouTube at the moment – although other ASMR resources exist.)

Recently I came across an article for a Welsh stone carver who has been an ASMR discovery after he published some YouTube videos about his stone carving.

There are only three and I found them effective. Three is a suitably short number to start with to see if you feel the same way.

My playlists are here:

https://www.youtube.com/@theprocrastinationpensite

the playlist for Leuan Rees is here:

I will be assembling further ASMR into a complete playlist here:

please feed back if they are effective for you or if you have any further ASMR material which would be worth considering.

Sadly these videos no longer work for me so I am looking for new material, which I will shortly publish here.

I hope that you find them relaxing.

Photo by Colin White on Unsplash

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Turn Again

Sometimes the message is an unwelcome one; I re-encountered an album recently. An album

which is an old favourite. One of the tracks has an uncomfortable message that I am still not keen to hear.

(If you haven’t heard this album by the way then you are missing something; in my view the best album this group have produced).

I was reflecting that blogging (and indeed writing) is unrewarding today as there is no audience. It might be no coincidence that the rise in streaming media has coincided with a decline in the time that people spend with a book. (There is one pot of time, if I spend it on one thing I can’t spend it on something else).

Some people have an engaging writing style, and some people don’t. My experience is that the things I like to write about are not stimulating to the few remaining readers out there.

The popular approach seems to include changing my message to make it one that the potential reader may like to hear. Writing and marketing merging until they become synonymous terms. Is the purpose of writing simply to sell something?

For a long time I have avoided writing the blog. The content seemed to be the sort of stuff only my mother would have read. Given she wasn’t available any longer what would be the point in writing any more. Some of the old articles I wouldn’t write today anyway as my beliefs continue to change.

Missing, for me, are any opinions – any opinions that I cared about. However having spent a while reading the comments on Twitter and some of the more inflammatory newspaper web sites I am quite certain that I do not want feedback of that sort about anything I have to say.

However the song tells me “the things I should have said…” Once in a while an article affirms that writing is an act which is enough in itself. Some indicate that perseverance is sufficient even where no one reads it. Sometimes writing for yourself is just as valuable as writing for someone else.

It is also absolutely possible that some people might be reading the material but due to a lack of interaction will be invisible. In the end perhaps just writing, for no good reason, is actually enough.

I can of course mute out the people who disagree with my childish opinions and maybe that is the best thing to do if it allows me to keep going.

Anything that will permit what is left of my imagination to flow.

The song nags: “…dreams lay unrevealed ‘til they were rotten”. (I always imagined it was dreams lie unreleased till they were rotten…).

It is better to do something than avoid doing anything because no one is paying attention.

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Fifty Special Things – Cambridge Gin Laboratory

When: 18-02-2017

Where: Cambridge Gin Laboratory

Price: Free – It was a gift

Review: excellent way to spend a few hours, several different courses available

Tip: take the bus, and then you can spend the rest of the day in the bar next door.

I remember when I was thinking about how to make the fifty special things work that one problem was always going to be budget. Having made the decision to try to make my fiftieth year a special one, how do you afford it all?

So it was with great delight that I received a gift of a gin tasting session at the Cambridge Gin Lab.

It turns out that it is very popular, the day we went it was full up. I imagine other days are not dissimilar.

The Cambridge Gin Laboratory is at 10 Green Street, Cambridge.

There is a board outside to confirm location and a sign on the door.

At the time I was convinced that I was going to rule the world via the medium of blogging – such that there is quite a strong pictorial record.

It was around the time of this visit that I began to comprehend just how fashionable gin had become and just how many people were keen to get in on the act.

The lab is downstairs and is laid out with all kinds of gin-related paraphernalia.

Prior to the gin sampling itself there is a very interesting talk on gin and the history of gin from which I made a few notes.

Note the picture of the black Labrador on the wall, said to be the reason why it is called the Cambridge Gin “Lab”.

There are various events available including a tailoring option to create a unique gin.

Gin is actually juniper-flavoured vodka. The predominant flavour must be juniper. The juniper “berry” is used (which is technically a cone). No sugar.

The nose of gin is often described as “piney”. Juniper was used for medicinal purposes for a long time. However claims that drinking gin is healthy are sadly untrue.

A monastery used to distil wine and float botanicals in it and used this as a treatment. Drinking this though was not tasty so they started to sweeten it.

Traditional gin was produced in the Low Countries (Dutch) in the 15th Century. Jenever was their name for juniper.

The English fought the Dutch in the 30 years’ war. Soldiers began to be given alcohol before they went into battle – it became referred to as “Dutch courage”.

The English then started to make their own gin. The gin craze was between 1720 and 1751.

This could be thought of as the first drug war. In the poor areas of London 1/3 of households were making and selling gin. However there was lots of methanol left in it which is poisonous. Some sellers cut the result with turpentine which is poisonous.

They were drinking 80% ABV in pints – like beer. They became very addicted.

The Gin Acts 1751 started to legislate gin production.

William Hogarth 1751 creates two paintings Gin Lane is political propaganda intended to encourage people to switch back to beer (Beer Street).

Gin Lane

Beer Street

Beer Street and Gin lane

Gin was still allowed to be drunk however.

The theory is that Hogarth was paid by the beer industry to encourage people to drink beer.

The Gin Act was passed. After crop failures and attempts at alternative beverages – they eventually got better at making gin.

Alcohol fermentation, involving yeast processes on sugar, produces heat, carbon-dioxide and ethanol (together with other alcohols).

ABV (ethanol by volume) the maximum that fermentation achieves is 15% ABV. (You can heat the result to make it stronger).

To distil – put the alcohol in a still – heat it. It starts to boil and evaporate. The outlet tube is cooled in water (it is coiled to increase its surface area).

Different compounds boil at different temperatures:
Ethanol 78.4^oC
Methanol 60^oC (ish)

You track the temperature and collect the low boiling point liquid and dispose of it, this is referred to as the “head”.

You collect the middle boiling point liquid and keep it.

You collect the higher boiling point liquid referred to as the “tails” and dispose of it.

In this way you get to concentrate what you want.

In vodka you remove a lot of the impurities, this produces 96% alcohol. In whisky you keep some impurities by retaining a greater heat range, this affects the flavour.

Gin started to be recognisably gin in the early 19th century – juniper is added during the distillation. Juniper flavour becomes incorporated into the gin.

They also started to use continuous distillation – here a huge still uses plates to draw off the distillate at the correct temperature range.

CC BY-SA 3.0, Link

Gin now starts to taste nicer – it becomes fashionable to have unsweetened gin.

London Dry Gin became fashionable – today this is a subcategory of gin.
London Dry Gin started in London but not made there anymore.

It is dry – not sweet – you must use real botanicals – these must go into the distillation pot and not be added afterwards.

Gin – is a shortening of jenever the Dutch for Juniper. Today other botanicals (plants) are used e.g. rose petal, cherry blossom, coriander seed, juniper cone.

These react differently to heat – the heat is high so the botanicals are added at different times – this is like adding ingredients in cooking.

You treat each botanical with the level of heat that suits it. The boiling point is related to atmospheric pressure – reducing pressure reduces the heat needed for boiling.

1 botanical is added at a time – you distil different botanicals. What comes out is not a gin, it is a flavoured distillate. Then you blend the distillates.

However it needs a basis of London dry gin. Therefore you can blend your own gin.

The distillery has 100s of distillates. It is tailoring gin to individuals, bars, and restaurants. You can use delicate things in gin e.g. cucumber.

Hendricks add the flavour afterwards – you can make a lot more gin this way – but not a London Dry Gin.

1 gin run takes 1 hour – there are 4 people in the company.

When we arrived we had a gin to start with which was a standard London Dry Gin with a fever-tree tonic. I rather liked this.

However we also got to use atomisers to spray gin directly into the mouth (well after some practice – the first squirt was directly into my eye). Atomisers contain the same spirit as the demijohns on shelves around the walls. They are used to allow tasting without consuming a lot of gin.

Brands feel it is important to be traditional – to have this as part of their brand.

Wheat is the basis of gin, potato potcheen (Poitín). Gin must be a neutral spirit – the basis does not have to be wheat, however if it is not wheat or potato then this fact must be listed on the bottle. Potato vodka is slightly oilier. Rye is slightly spicier (to a trained palette).

To make comparisons involves a system for tasting gin which needs consistency and needs a standardised language. Tasting is an ability that develops from training & experience. Room temperature is best to identify botanicals.

After the initial gin on entry and trying the atomisers there were 3 gins to try, these were sat on the table protected by glass lids.

The first apparently had rose and violet petals in it. The sequence is first mouth feel – it should feel somewhere between milk and water – medium. I have the palette of a straw bale I established.

There is no sweetness added – when you distil – sugar does not carry over, hence the distillate from pineapple has no sugar. What you can have is associative sweetness – this reminds you of sweet things for example florals gives this effect. (It’s all in the mind in fact).

It also had blackcurrant leaf – which gives a fruity flavour and basil, angelica, rosemary. Angelica is very common in gin – it is slightly spicy. In tasting you want to linger a little not too short.

You don’t have to prefer one that wins awards – as this is a measure of how well it is made rather than if you like it.

The Cambridge Distillery make different gins for different bars – Midsummer House has a herbal garden – we use those herbs in their gin.
Pint shop – Peas Hill we use peas in their gin.
College graduation gins – they forage for flowers in their garden – buy the gin which is unique to that year. Usually you have to go to the venue to taste their unique gin.

Japanese gin has become a retail product (this is the second gin that we tasted).
Nobu in London wanted one. It was made with a team of chefs inspired by botanicals used in Japanese cooking. This is light in intensity, the spirit is the same though. The botanicals are different, Juniper, cucumber, sesame, schiso leaf, almonds (it is marzipany), sanshō pepper (a bit perfumy), yuzu.

Botanicals are affected by the weather and are used seasonally. Each year there are seasonal gins. The ones in spring/summer are lighter. The ones in autumn/winter are more warming.

Each gin is therefore non-re-creatable. 100 bottles of each one are made and these sell quickly.

Autumn/winter gin contains bergamot. It has fennel in it, bergamot, rosemary, blackcurrant leaf, and juniper. It can manage a punchier tonic. They tend to use fever-tree as a good “go to” mixer…

The Dog – the black Lab is the lab dog he/she is why this place is called a gin lab .

They capture the lightest 1% of stuff that evaporates referred to as the angel’s share of gin. They have made an angels share gin at £2000 a bottle.

They produced about 6 bottles, all sold quickly.

In addition to the tasting which we attended there is also available:

Histories and mysteries of gin session
Make your own bottle
Themed tastings

Given how great our session was these will also be worth a try.
Afterwards they give you a voucher to try a cocktail in the bar next door (accessible underground). The bar is on Trinity Street.

This is at 2648 Cambridge. Great cocktails which may make you want to stay.

As I say take the bus there…

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Photo by Arvind shakya from Pexels https://www.pexels.com/photo/closeup-photo-of-clear-long-stem-wine-glass-724259/

Do It

What You Waiting For.

I was reflecting today that older people keep trying to tell younger people things are a certain way and younger people don’t listen.

This seems to have been an issue for many generations.

I remember that there was a saying when I was a child “he has to learn the hard way”.

In which the hard way was to insist on learning by experience when someone had already told you what the outcome would be.

When you have twenty years or so left to exist it comes to mind that learning the hard way is too time-consuming and painful.

It is clear that spending a lot of life relearning lessons that others already know, which they have learned already and are trying to show you is a waste.

It took until my fifth decade before I began to get a picture of what other people were trying to tell me. In many respects when it is too late.

One of these is nicely documented in the song Time by Pink Floyd “No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun”.

I found that I waited and then kept on waiting for someone to tell me when was the proper time to begin.

For example since I can remember I have wanted to write a book, there seems no reason that makes sense.

Perhaps once it was an escape from a 9-5 job or something that seemed better than dealing with members of the public or whatever was right for the time.

But as boring jobs ended, and life improved the ambition remained.

It is now plain that I gave myself excuses: no punctuation or grammar background; gradual loss of imagination; daunted by the task and so on.

But mainly I was waiting, waiting for a time to start.

If there was ever a way of passing a message to someone four decades younger. Then it would be: do not wait, do what you want to do – now.

There may not be a tomorrow for you to try to do it in…

Restarting Your Life

This week I was sent an inspirational video.

It stood out because of the parallels between the way this method suggests you manage challenge, and counselling practices I have observed.

Sadly for me the whole thing falls down through its focus on people of greatest ability; I think this is a mistake.

These people are certainly the highest earners and therefore unsurprisingly the focus of an enterprise like Thrive Labs http://www.thrivelabs.co/ which Priya Parker is running.

Elitism over life-changing advice ensures that Priya’s business gets to pay the bills but the very brightest are only going to be a percentage in any population.

If we said for example only those with a PhD it turns out to be about 1 in 500 people (https://www.quora.com/What-is-the-percentage-of-the-worlds-population-who-hold-doctorate-degrees).

That would leave 499 out of every 500 people who are not benefiting from this technique.

For every Einstein there are hundreds that made sure he had roads to drive on, bread for his sandwiches, and cotton for his shirts.

This needlessly restricts the audience for such advice. Given this is very like a standard CBT technique which is designed to work for everyone.

When I saw this video I thought about the aspects of its message that involved challenge.

Important and creative parts of the counselling process involve challenge.

Counselling homework involves facing your true self and your fictions.

Challenge is key to making positive change.

Priya indicates self-challenge is critical in leading a life you will be happy to look back on in later years. Her strap line is “quit your life and reboot”.

The video had no associated transcript: you may want the edited highlights rather than the entire talk.

These are the highlights that stood out for me:

People hate their jobs. They apply themselves and work hard but they stay because they are afraid to leave.
People would like to make better life choices.
The anxieties of the “brightest” is a public problem.

Everyone has fears I wonder what those who are not thought of as the “brightest” are to do about them?

There are various methods to address these anxieties. These methods also attempt to identify need in the world and recruit people to address that need.

There are different levels of need in the world: whilst one man’s challenge is to resolve drought in sub-Saharan Africa, another man may content himself with fixing the neighbour’s car.

1. The Obituary Test

Imagine that your death is being announced. Write your own obituary.

(Presumably you are not allowed to use latitude here. For example I would probably start out “Phil was a bang up chap who everyone loved…”)

The aim is to drive out how you would like to have lived

(I’m guessing this does not allow for: “like Ozzy Osbourne”).

2. The Passion Comic Strip

A number of people believe that they have no passions. This method will help you to identify your passion.

Interview five to ten people who know you well. Ask them when it was that they saw you look most alive. (Think Wallace meets Wensleydale.)

(I wonder if all such moments would be suitable for sharing?)

Draw a comic strip:

The reason you use drawing here is that:

Drawing utilises a different part of the brain to writing. (This seems to assume that you have the capacity to draw.)
Images are more powerful than words. (In what way images are more powerful is not described.)
Most people’s drawing skill is rubbish so you will not be able to take yourself too seriously once you have seen the resulting comic strip. (Again a valid counselling technique.)

3. Get Comfortable With Discomfort

This strikes me as like CBT in terms of challenge which indicates that almost anyone could participate in this activity.

Quitting life is scary hence you need to develop “discomfort muscles”.

(You will still feel the fear but you also need to be able to manage it).

In a queue (say at a supermarket checkout) start singing – keep singing even when you can feel your heart pounding.
Take yourself to dinner alone AND take no reading material. Take no phone. Do not make any excuses. Book it; turn up; eat a full dinner alone with nothing to distract you from your discomfort.
The backward elevator test. Walk in to an elevator, face the back. Keep facing the back even as everyone in the elevator gets uncomfortable.(What prevents people dragging you off to certain institutions, thumping you or reporting you to law enforcement agencies is not detailed in this video.)

4. Give Yourself a Life Sentence

Critical questions:

What do I value?
What is my purpose?
What do I want to be?

There are three parts to a life sentence:

What are the qualities or values I want to bring with me?
What is it that I actually do?
(Given you’re on The Procrastination Pen this might be a valid question).
To what end? (Why do you do this)?

This is regarded as the hardest of the methods but it is the most effective. It needs a large commitment of time. Generally with someone who knows you well.

Once completed this is useful as a filter – everything in life will take you closer or further away from your life sentence.

If it is part of the life sentence you do more of it. If it falls outside the life sentence you do less or stop doing it altogether.

5. Dwindling Cash Experiment

How do you know how much is enough money for you?

Not merely how much do you need to live but how much do you need to feel comfortable?

The test is to understand what it is like to live on different incomes by experiencing those incomes.

Sit down and calculate how much money you spend in a month. Take out this sum. Hold it in an envelope (say under the mattress)
.
(Given I work in security this sounds needlessly scary why not store it in the safe instead.)

Week 1 – take out 40% of the amount you withdrew; spend it on what you like.

Week 2 – take out 30% of that original figure and spend it.

Week 3 – take out 20% of the original figure.

Week 4 – take out 10%. (This assumes a four week month).

So if the total amount is £5000 a month.

In week one you have £2000 to spend.

In week two £1500.

In week three £1000.

In week four £500.

The lack of knowledge about how much money is enough creates fear. This enables you to work out how much is enough for you.

(£1 ½ million monthly would do me nicely.)

6. Help Somebody Else

Work out which five of your friends do interesting work.

(Assuming that you have five friends).

Spend an hour with them problem solving their stickiest problem.

This assumes you are capable of solving this problem –perhaps for the purposes of this the attempt is sufficient.

This is beneficial because:

– It creates a habit of “how can I help” – a habit which is helpful to society. It has also been established that helping others is good for your well-being as well.

http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/can_helping_others_help_you_find_meaning_in_life

– It helps you to find the problems that you care about – these are the ones for you to focus on.

– It shows what you are good at solving.

7. Set a Withdrawal Date

Send evites for a farewell party (this is a real thing; evites are electronic invites).

Personally this just sounds like “getting down with the kids” – I’m sure that paper invites, cards or telephone conversations would do as well.

Include seven of your closest friends.

(Assuming that you have seven friends).

This makes you accountable to a peer group – the assumption being it is much harder to back out once you have completed this stage.

Conclusion

Stepping back from your life allows you to see it clearly (a pretty key step in any counselling) and is also key in being able to change it.

Problems require talent to work on them and to solve them.

The part that doesn’t work for me is that only the brightest can benefit from this practice.

I would counter that you can skill up all kinds of people to resolve existing problems.

Thinking about meaning is scary. However fear should not deter you (another key counselling concept).

Change requires: time, space and risk (which is also why counselling can take time).

Thinking about what matters to you, what makes you come alive and then dive in.

This will make a difference to society, yes, but in my view, more importantly, it will make a difference to you.

Things You Really Will be Doing Now You’re 50 – Part Five

Following on from part four of the things you are going to find when you’re 50.

https://magic-phil.co.uk/2016/12/11/things-you-really-will-be-doing-now-youre-50-part-four

Ten more items from the same list:

You can’t see road signs so you get glasses. You can’t see to thread a needle, so you get glasses. Any task involves juggling eyesight correcting devices. You develop a facility for recognising different varieties of fuzzy as objects.
Just as you get to like something you find that the shops stop stocking it. Years ago you just moved on. Now you find yourself scanning auction sites, second hand stores, junk shops in the hope of continuing to use that thing you have a fondness for.
Suddenly everything in the past seems more pleasant than today. You forget the shoddy brakes on your first car and wish you still had it. You forget the unpleasantness with the neighbour and consider that everyone was much friendlier then. Constant rain showers are dispelled in memories of long summers of unbroken sunshine. You have entered the nostalgia zone.
After a long time of dismissing it as boring you find an hour of Gardeners’ World quite relaxing. You get drawn in. Before long you find that you are making way too many visits to garden centres. Eventually you start listening to Gardeners’ question time…
You meet up with some friends that you haven’t seen in a long time. You know that you haven’t changed but you are shocked at how old they look…
In conversation someone remarks that you have a lot less time to go than you have already had. After the message has had time to sink in you realise that actually you don’t mind about that. You wonder if that means there is something wrong with you.
Whitening your teeth sounds a great idea. Surely this would improve your appeal to other people. However you realise that your mouth now contains more amalgam than tooth.
Snoring will start to punctuate your night time hours. You will find no explanation for this. In order to avoid being murdered by your partner you take to the sofa.
Your body formerly lived a halcyon existence of cooperative equanimity. Now the disparate parts engage in a war with one another. If one area is dry an adjacent area is greasy. If one is jittery due to inactivity another is tired out from exercise. Whilst one feels fit another feels damaged. Every action is punctuated with either fatigue, itching or little stabs of pain; apparently to remind you that this dispute is underway.
Other people have now moved you from a position where you might have been appealing to some kind of universal parent figure. Your role is now to listen and support; to give advice (which they will ignore). This enables them to go on with their lives; in which it is never suspected you could be involved.

That’s the 50 things that will happen to you now that you are 50, I’d welcome any comments (unless of the trolling variety. If you like this blog please subscribe by email and you will get updates as I post new stuff.
If you missed part one you will find it here:
https://magic-phil.co.uk/2016/12/11/things-you-really-will-be-doing-now-youre-50
If you missed part two you will find it here:
https://magic-phil.co.uk/2016/12/11/things-you-really-will-be-doing-now-youre-50-part-two
If you missed part three you will find it here:
https://magic-phil.co.uk/2016/12/11/things-you-really-will-be-doing-now-youre-50-part-three
If you missed part four you will find it here:
https://magic-phil.co.uk/2016/12/11/things-you-really-will-be-doing-now-youre-50-part-four

That’s it for this series.

Things You Really Will be Doing Now You’re 50

Articles on how to live your life abound; instructions on this; guidelines on that.

If the first 5 decades seem to have been chaotic it might appear that consulting this guidance may provide some hope of enlightenment.

It was in light of this that I stumbled across this article which gives suggestions about what you can do now that you have reached 50:
https://www.onefamily.com/hub/wellbeing/50-things-to-do-now-youre-50

All very well but for me this article did not reflect being 50 in any real sense.

Here are the steps that you will inevitably encounter when you’re 50.

Tradition dictates that there should be 50 of these, but 10 is all I’m prepared to read at one sitting.

Alcohol: moderate drinking leaves you with a hangover which would’ve taxed Gandhi. More than moderate drinking has you escorted to a hospice. Drinking over more than one day means a trip to an expensive rehab centre.
You will forget the name of someone you’ve known for at least ten years; you’ll be too embarrassed to admit it. Months later you’ll be trying to remember where you put your keys; for no obvious reason the name will pop back into your head.
A malicious poltergeist will move into your house. It will confine itself to moving your keys, your money, your work’s access pass. You will spend the start of most journeys hunting for one or more of these items.
You will develop an irresistible urge to sleep whenever you sit down – any comfortable surface will find you drooling into your collar: park benches, train seats, brambles, nettles.
You’re on better terms with the doctor than you have been your whole life; your medical records are being moved to The National Archives.
You meet some people from school and find at least one person you knew is already dead and has been for some time. You start guessing which of you will be next.
Without warning you develop a fondness for cardigans, they become your default outer wear.
Saga starts to send you junk mail – for some reason their trips start to look interesting.
Room temperature of 20 ^oC seems to be like the inside of a Greenland glacier; you keep revisiting the thermostat.
The heroes you’ve had in your life now turn out to be paedophiles or dead or more often both.

Instalment two in this series covers the next 10:
https://magic-phil.co.uk/2016/12/11/things-you-really-will-be-doing-now-youre-50-part-two

Things You Really Will be Doing Now You’re 50 – Part Two

Following on from part one of the things you are going to find when you’re 50.

https://magic-phil.co.uk/2016/12/11/things-you-really-will-be-doing-now-youre-50/

Ten is as many items in a list as I think a person can stand in one sitting; here is the next ten things you’re going to encounter at 50:

Friends insist that exercise is good for you. Flicking through adverts indicates that someone your age should take medical advice before taking up any exercise programme. You can’t imagine trying anything that dangerous.
Neighbourhood watch schemes now seem a fantastic idea, but you’re concerned you would fail the age requirements.
When you wake up you will need a few moments to check out which bits of you no longer have blood in them and which hurt like hell. However you will not remember that you need this time. Mornings feature you collapsing to the floor and/or screaming out.
Elasticated waist trousers have become attractive. You find yourself wearing them more often than not. You can’t believe that they are not a desirable fashion item.
Whilst searching for a radio programme that you can actually listen to, you happen across Radio 4. You can’t imagine why you didn’t find it compelling listening before.
Adverts for pension investments have become fascinating. You find yourself reading pensions statements with avid interest.
Performance cars now seem needlessly difficult to live with. You start reviewing articles on Volvo and Honda; they seem like wonderful cars.
Whenever you get together with people you look around and find you are the oldest person there.
People seem to be dashing around at 5 times your pace. You wonder where they get the drugs from and would they have the same effect on you.
Someone in authority gives you a ticking off. You realise they look younger than that person you babysat 3 decades ago. Somehow this makes it all the more humiliating.

If you missed part one you will find it here:
https://magic-phil.co.uk/2016/12/11/things-you-really-will-be-doing-now-youre-50

Watch out for part three here:
https://magic-phil.co.uk/2016/12/11/things-you-really-will-be-doing-now-youre-50-part-three

Things You Really Will be Doing Now You’re 50 – Part Three

Following on from part two of the things you are going to find when you’re 50.

https://magic-phil.co.uk/2016/12/11/things-you-really-will-be-doing-now-youre-50-part-two

Ten more items from the same list:

For a long time you have prided yourself on how laid-back you are. Not for you excitement over the miners’ strike, Milli Vanilli, or the Falkland’s war. Recently you are getting red-faced; yelling at the television like some Alf Garnett caricature. You start to avoid certain national newspapers and Question Time on the BBC.
You’ve crammed as much into your life as you thought possible; considered that every moment was a busy moment. Now juggling has become more frenetic. You consider ways to do more: reading whilst going to the loo; learning whilst sleeping; writing your memoirs whilst stood on one foot pulling on a sock. You wonder whether sleep should be optional.
Posters, brochures, TV adverts you notice are predominantly in favour of young people. You’ve never noticed this before. “Young people are our future”; “young people deserve a chance”; “think of the children”. You’ve been excluded from important people in society and no one gave you any warning.
Skimpy underwear for young people is exciting, no underwear is considered provocative. For some reason now big underwear is appealing; if it doesn’t reach your belly-button you no longer consider buying it.
Gatherings of people seem to generate enough noise to rival a Motörhead concert. You find yourself avoiding socialising; instead sitting in to watch repeats of familiar programmes.
People now find it a great idea to deny how old you are. “You’re 50; you don’t look it”; “I never would have thought that you were 50”; “50? You look much younger”. Even though you know that it’s fabricated, you still like it and work to pretend it is genuine.
There are gaps in your hearing – tones that you can no longer hear. You attend hearing tests and no one can detect these gaps. Oh there’s hearing loss but that’s “normal” for your age. People you like start to use those tones to communicate. “What?” is now a conversational feature.
Despite appearances, as far as you’re concerned you are still 18. You feel 18. You’re sure you think like 18. If only your knee would stop hurting you’d give that snowboarding a try. Other people see you as some hoary old hermit. This is confusing. For some reason you’re no longer allowed to go rock climbing, roller blading or clubbing and you’re unable to understand why.
Things that happened yesterday as far as you’re concerned: the music of your youth; the attitudes of your teen years; the clothes people chose. These are now referred to as “classic” or “old school”. Those times are regarded as morally the Wild West. Those who lived through them are regarded with suspicion; as borderline depraved.
You’ve ceased to be described by absolutes. When you were younger you might have been “good at maths”; “good at running” or, if you were very lucky “good” with the opposite sex. Now “for your age” becomes a universal qualifier “your vision isn’t bad for your age”; “your blood pressure is good for your age” or if you’re very lucky “you look good for your age”. You’ve lost the ability to be just “good” at anything and have joined a group of people older than 50 who must therefore be less “good” than everybody else.

If you missed part one you will find it here:
https://magic-phil.co.uk/2016/12/11/things-you-really-will-be-doing-now-youre-50
If you missed part two you will find it here:
https://magic-phil.co.uk/2016/12/11/things-you-really-will-be-doing-now-youre-50-part-two

Watch out for part four here:
https://magic-phil.co.uk/2016/12/11/things-you-really-will-be-doing-now-youre-50-part-four