Month: December 2016

Things You Really Will be Doing Now You’re 50 – Part Five

Following on from part four of the things you are going to find when you’re 50.

https://magic-phil.co.uk/2016/12/11/things-you-really-will-be-doing-now-youre-50-part-four

Ten more items from the same list:

  1. You can’t see road signs so you get glasses. You can’t see to thread a needle, so you get glasses. Any task involves juggling eyesight correcting devices. You develop a facility for recognising different varieties of fuzzy as objects.
  2. Just as you get to like something you find that the shops stop stocking it. Years ago you just moved on. Now you find yourself scanning auction sites, second hand stores, junk shops in the hope of continuing to use that thing you have a fondness for.
  3. Suddenly everything in the past seems more pleasant than today. You forget the shoddy brakes on your first car and wish you still had it. You forget the unpleasantness with the neighbour and consider that everyone was much friendlier then. Constant rain showers are dispelled in memories of long summers of unbroken sunshine. You have entered the nostalgia zone.
  4. After a long time of dismissing it as boring you find an hour of Gardeners’ World quite relaxing. You get drawn in. Before long you find that you are making way too many visits to garden centres. Eventually you start listening to Gardeners’ question time…
  5. You meet up with some friends that you haven’t seen in a long time. You know that you haven’t changed but you are shocked at how old they look…
  6. In conversation someone remarks that you have a lot less time to go than you have already had. After the message has had time to sink in you realise that actually you don’t mind about that. You wonder if that means there is something wrong with you.
  7. Whitening your teeth sounds a great idea. Surely this would improve your appeal to other people. However you realise that your mouth now contains more amalgam than tooth.
  8. Snoring will start to punctuate your night time hours. You will find no explanation for this. In order to avoid being murdered by your partner you take to the sofa.
  9. Your body formerly lived a halcyon existence of cooperative equanimity. Now the disparate parts engage in a war with one another. If one area is dry an adjacent area is greasy. If one is jittery due to inactivity another is tired out from exercise. Whilst one feels fit another feels damaged. Every action is punctuated with either fatigue, itching or little stabs of pain; apparently to remind you that this dispute is underway.
  10. Other people have now moved you from a position where you might have been appealing to some kind of universal parent figure. Your role is now to listen and support; to give advice (which they will ignore). This enables them to go on with their lives; in which it is never suspected you could be involved.

That’s the 50 things that will happen to you now that you are 50, I’d welcome any comments (unless of the trolling variety. If you like this blog please subscribe by email and you will get updates as I post new stuff.
If you missed part one you will find it here:
https://magic-phil.co.uk/2016/12/11/things-you-really-will-be-doing-now-youre-50
If you missed part two you will find it here:
https://magic-phil.co.uk/2016/12/11/things-you-really-will-be-doing-now-youre-50-part-two
If you missed part three you will find it here:
https://magic-phil.co.uk/2016/12/11/things-you-really-will-be-doing-now-youre-50-part-three
If you missed part four you will find it here:
https://magic-phil.co.uk/2016/12/11/things-you-really-will-be-doing-now-youre-50-part-four

That’s it for this series.

Things You Really Will be Doing Now You’re 50

Articles on how to live your life abound; instructions on this; guidelines on that.

If the first 5 decades seem to have been chaotic it might appear that consulting this guidance may provide some hope of enlightenment.

It was in light of this that I stumbled across this article which gives suggestions about what you can do now that you have reached 50:
https://www.onefamily.com/hub/wellbeing/50-things-to-do-now-youre-50

All very well but for me this article did not reflect being 50 in any real sense.

Here are the steps that you will inevitably encounter when you’re 50.

Tradition dictates that there should be 50 of these, but 10 is all I’m prepared to read at one sitting.

  1. Alcohol: moderate drinking leaves you with a hangover which would’ve taxed Gandhi. More than moderate drinking has you escorted to a hospice. Drinking over more than one day means a trip to an expensive rehab centre.
  2. You will forget the name of someone you’ve known for at least ten years; you’ll be too embarrassed to admit it. Months later you’ll be trying to remember where you put your keys; for no obvious reason the name will pop back into your head.
  3. A malicious poltergeist will move into your house. It will confine itself to moving your keys, your money, your work’s access pass. You will spend the start of most journeys hunting for one or more of these items.
  4. You will develop an irresistible urge to sleep whenever you sit down – any comfortable surface will find you drooling into your collar: park benches, train seats, brambles, nettles.
  5. You’re on better terms with the doctor than you have been your whole life; your medical records are being moved to The National Archives.
  6. You meet some people from school and find at least one person you knew is already dead and has been for some time. You start guessing which of you will be next.
  7. Without warning you develop a fondness for cardigans, they become your default outer wear.
  8. Saga starts to send you junk mail – for some reason their trips start to look interesting.
  9. Room temperature of 20 oC seems to be like the inside of a Greenland glacier; you keep revisiting the thermostat.
  10. The heroes you’ve had in your life now turn out to be paedophiles or dead or more often both.

Instalment two in this series covers the next 10:
https://magic-phil.co.uk/2016/12/11/things-you-really-will-be-doing-now-youre-50-part-two

Things You Really Will be Doing Now You’re 50 – Part Two

Following on from part one of the things you are going to find when you’re 50.

https://magic-phil.co.uk/2016/12/11/things-you-really-will-be-doing-now-youre-50/

Ten is as many items in a list as I think a person can stand in one sitting; here is the next ten things you’re going to encounter at 50:

  1. Friends insist that exercise is good for you. Flicking through adverts indicates that someone your age should take medical advice before taking up any exercise programme. You can’t imagine trying anything that dangerous.
  2. Neighbourhood watch schemes now seem a fantastic idea, but you’re concerned you would fail the age requirements.
  3. When you wake up you will need a few moments to check out which bits of you no longer have blood in them and which hurt like hell. However you will not remember that you need this time. Mornings feature you collapsing to the floor and/or screaming out.
  4. Elasticated waist trousers have become attractive. You find yourself wearing them more often than not. You can’t believe that they are not a desirable fashion item.
  5. Whilst searching for a radio programme that you can actually listen to, you happen across Radio 4. You can’t imagine why you didn’t find it compelling listening before.
  6. Adverts for pension investments have become fascinating. You find yourself reading pensions statements with avid interest.
  7. Performance cars now seem needlessly difficult to live with. You start reviewing articles on Volvo and Honda; they seem like wonderful cars.
  8. Whenever you get together with people you look around and find you are the oldest person there.
  9. People seem to be dashing around at 5 times your pace. You wonder where they get the drugs from and would they have the same effect on you.
  10. Someone in authority gives you a ticking off. You realise they look younger than that person you babysat 3 decades ago. Somehow this makes it all the more humiliating.

If you missed part one you will find it here:
https://magic-phil.co.uk/2016/12/11/things-you-really-will-be-doing-now-youre-50

Watch out for part three here:
https://magic-phil.co.uk/2016/12/11/things-you-really-will-be-doing-now-youre-50-part-three

Things You Really Will be Doing Now You’re 50 – Part Three

Following on from part two of the things you are going to find when you’re 50.

https://magic-phil.co.uk/2016/12/11/things-you-really-will-be-doing-now-youre-50-part-two

Ten more items from the same list:

  1. For a long time you have prided yourself on how laid-back you are. Not for you excitement over the miners’ strike, Milli Vanilli, or the Falkland’s war. Recently you are getting red-faced; yelling at the television like some Alf Garnett caricature. You start to avoid certain national newspapers and Question Time on the BBC.
  2. You’ve crammed as much into your life as you thought possible; considered that every moment was a busy moment. Now juggling has become more frenetic. You consider ways to do more: reading whilst going to the loo; learning whilst sleeping; writing your memoirs whilst stood on one foot pulling on a sock. You wonder whether sleep should be optional.
  3. Posters, brochures, TV adverts you notice are predominantly in favour of young people. You’ve never noticed this before. “Young people are our future”; “young people deserve a chance”; “think of the children”. You’ve been excluded from important people in society and no one gave you any warning.
  4. Skimpy underwear for young people is exciting, no underwear is considered provocative. For some reason now big underwear is appealing; if it doesn’t reach your belly-button you no longer consider buying it.
  5. Gatherings of people seem to generate enough noise to rival a Motörhead concert. You find yourself avoiding socialising; instead sitting in to watch repeats of familiar programmes.
  6. People now find it a great idea to deny how old you are. “You’re 50; you don’t look it”; “I never would have thought that you were 50”; “50? You look much younger”. Even though you know that it’s fabricated, you still like it and work to pretend it is genuine.
  7. There are gaps in your hearing – tones that you can no longer hear. You attend hearing tests and no one can detect these gaps. Oh there’s hearing loss but that’s “normal” for your age. People you like start to use those tones to communicate. “What?” is now a conversational feature.
  8. Despite appearances, as far as you’re concerned you are still 18. You feel 18. You’re sure you think like 18. If only your knee would stop hurting you’d give that snowboarding a try. Other people see you as some hoary old hermit. This is confusing. For some reason you’re no longer allowed to go rock climbing, roller blading or clubbing and you’re unable to understand why.
  9. Things that happened yesterday as far as you’re concerned: the music of your youth; the attitudes of your teen years; the clothes people chose. These are now referred to as “classic” or “old school”. Those times are regarded as morally the Wild West. Those who lived through them are regarded with suspicion; as borderline depraved.
  10. You’ve ceased to be described by absolutes. When you were younger you might have been “good at maths”; “good at running” or, if you were very lucky “good” with the opposite sex. Now “for your age” becomes a universal qualifier “your vision isn’t bad for your age”; “your blood pressure is good for your age” or if you’re very lucky “you look good for your age”. You’ve lost the ability to be just “good” at anything and have joined a group of people older than 50 who must therefore be less “good” than everybody else.

If you missed part one you will find it here:
https://magic-phil.co.uk/2016/12/11/things-you-really-will-be-doing-now-youre-50
If you missed part two you will find it here:
https://magic-phil.co.uk/2016/12/11/things-you-really-will-be-doing-now-youre-50-part-two

Watch out for part four here:
https://magic-phil.co.uk/2016/12/11/things-you-really-will-be-doing-now-youre-50-part-four

Things You Really Will be Doing Now You’re 50 – Part Four

Following on from part three of the things you are going to find when you’re 50.

https://magic-phil.co.uk/2016/12/11/things-you-really-will-be-doing-now-youre-50-part-three

Ten more items from the same list:

  1. Visiting a stately home seems a great idea. You’re persuaded that joining the National Trust/English Heritage will be fun. You find yourself visiting more and more stately homes. After a while you realise these places have only two kinds of visitors: harassed looking young adults with little ones or those moving at the speed of continents. You notice that you do not have any small people with you…
  2. It seems to you that you are on top of this technology business; you worked out how to use Facebook. WhatsApp turned out to be not so difficult. You are concerned though that you keep finding new technology that you’ve never heard of. The speed with which you’re supposed to learn new things seems laughable.
  3. It is cold; it always seems cold. You want warm, you want fashionable you choose Thinsulate…
  4. You’ve sailed through 5 decades with the odd nose bleed and a scraped elbow. Now every minor snuffle lays you low for weeks on end. You start considering flu jabs as a great health investment.
  5. Embracing new things has always been you; every new thing; especially TV programmes. Surprising then how often you find yourself watching David Attenborough, Columbo or Murder She Wrote.
  6. Food is a source of experimentation for you. You’ve tried them all; from sushi to witchetty grubs. Nothing is too wild for you. Recently though intestinal complaints have been so violent you require compensatory plumbing. Oatmeal seems a really tasty idea suddenly.
  7. There’s no way that age can be a barrier to music appreciation. After some diligent listening to chart music you determine that one or two tracks are actually quite enjoyable. When you tell people about this they think it is hysterical.
  8. There is someone gorgeous on the street. A part of your mind reminds you that they could be your child or worse still your grandchild.
  9. Since the age of 18 you’ve been the same weight. Clothes fitted nicely. You could eat what you liked. You felt comfortable in your body. Now you notice the belt is tighter. The scales reveal a depressing story. The weight hangs around your waistline like an accusatory life-preserver.
  10. When you were younger you scoffed at all the silver hair; swearing you would dye it before it got to that stage. Now you realise there is a race between it falling out and changing colour. You become grateful for any hair whatever its colour.

If you missed part one you will find it here:
https://magic-phil.co.uk/2016/12/11/things-you-really-will-be-doing-now-youre-50
If you missed part two you will find it here:
https://magic-phil.co.uk/2016/12/11/things-you-really-will-be-doing-now-youre-50-part-two
If you missed part three you will find it here:
https://magic-phil.co.uk/2016/12/11/things-you-really-will-be-doing-now-youre-50-part-three

Watch out for part five here:
https://magic-phil.co.uk/2016/12/30/things-you-really-will-be-doing-now-youre-50-part-five